Every Sunday until September I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Universe Has Your Back deck and reflecting on it.

When I lean on certainty and faith I change my mind about the world I see.

It has been a bit of a heavy week. I had a meeting at the start of the week and, I guess, I spent all my pent up anxiety on that day. The next day I was exhausted, and was very unwell in the morning. My partner and I went for a walk that evening and we discovered a sensory garden by our local gym.

I sat down for a while, by some herbs and just felt like my mind was buzzing like a beehive. It was so noisy and busy and crowded. I sighed and tried to let go of the anxiety. I imagined the experience a bee felt as it flies away from the hive on a solitary journey for pollen. The garden was so quiet.

I still felt rough midweek, but I continued taking part in the daily chats I mentioned previously. I stopped taking my iron supplements because they were making me feel sick. And sure enough, I feel better (but more tired).

I continued on an upward spiral, and today I ended up in Tread Bikely with a poem I wrote about cycling in Brighton; Summer Nights.

Every Sunday until September I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Universe Has Your Back deck and reflecting on it.

In any moment I can surrender to the powerful presence of love through prayer, contemplation and stillness.

This time tomorrow I will be breathing a sigh of relief. A meeting I am nervous about will be over, and I’ll probably have done OK in my presentation. But it doesn’t stop me from panicking.

I didn’t finish my project but I’ve made another big dent in it and I like where it’s going. I actually sent the draft to a couple of colleagues for their feedback; I originally didn’t want anyone to see it until I had completed it. However, I needed help.

Every Sunday until September I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Universe Has Your Back deck and reflecting on it.

I surrender to a power greater than me.

I’ve been trying to tie up a draft I have been working on for a month. I am about two thirds of the way through. I planned to complete last month but I struggled with it, so I ended up taking a course to help me organise it. It was very helpful, and after an hour of tidying it got to a place I like! But now, the project feels like it’s casting a huge shadow on me; it has taken too long and I feel like I need to make it better to justify the time spent.

The project has actually been stewing in my mind for a quarter now. I worked on it occasionally, in small steps, because I knew I’d get swept up in the user experience of it all. But after passing my probation period in my current role I wanted to finish it to show people. But it has become a phenomenal beast. Everything I write is lacking; but I guess that’s coronavirus anxiety and writer’s block. Focus is hard.

I am waiting to hear back about three writing pitches this month. I am not optimistic, but I felt great knowing that my brain can think of things other than viruses. I had a couple of hours of writing with joy – bliss.

Every Sunday until September I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Universe Has Your Back deck and reflecting on it.

Hope is the conduit for miracles.

I’ve been taking part in daily chats with Efe for the past fortnight. I joined the chats after seeing them being promoted by a local Uni Connect team.

I do a lot of work, study and freelancing remotely. And I always considered myself a bit of a lone wolf. So when social distancing started, I thought I’d be OK with it. I was.

But a month passed.

I woke up in bed one morning feeling like I couldn’t face the day. I wanted to leave my course, my job, and if there wasn’t a lockdown I probably would have gotten on a train somewhere. I figured this feeling would pass.

The next day I felt the same. And the day after. I started panicking.

Before I knew it I had spent a fortnight wandering around my flat in a daze. I didn’t want to admit I felt alone and afraid. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. However, I knew keeping silent wasn’t good for me either.

I felt torn and confused. People made me anxious, but I wanted company. I relished working from home, but I couldn’t focus. I value my own space, but I didn’t enjoy being there.

I joined a chat with Efe and made small talk for twenty minutes. Then she asked How are you? How was I? Honestly, I wanted to say so much. But in a conversation, and as someone who finds talking in front of others really difficult, I said My mood is OK. But it’s so hard to focus.

I broke through the wall. I had shared something.

Of course I knew I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t focus. But what I was most afraid of was people judging me on my lack of progress in my work and study. Or the quality of my writing. I knew I wasn’t performing at my best. I was barely stringing a sentence together some days. I wanted to say I need help. But I didn’t know what that meant.

The next day I shared some self-deprecating comments. Just because I wanted other people to talk instead of me.

After that I shared a link to my Moodle meditation club:

Because I was trying to be more mindful, to help myself. I figured maybe other people might feel the same.

The next day we were asked to talk about good things about ourself, then things we are looking forward to.

As someone who is constantly planning ahead I suddenly realised I had stopped thinking about the future completely. I had stopped setting myself goals. I had stopped caring about myself; I had outbreaks of hives and shaved my eyebrows off during a moment of anger. I had stopped listening to the radio; one of the few activities that helps me counter my intrusive thoughts. I had stopped being.

We talked about hobbies, passions, and I found people who I am applying to be on Bargain Hunt with. I talked about my love for Brighton. And my plans for my Name Day. I ordered a brochure about Finlake to send to my Dad (it was our favourite holiday).

Once I started looking ahead my spirit lifted. And Efe‘s last homework assignment was to say Yes more often. I promised myself I’d say Yes to the next question I was asked…

As a result. I have a job interview in one month!!!

Every Sunday until September I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Universe Has Your Back deck and reflecting on it.

When I’m in alignment with the love of the universe, peace cannot be disrupted.

I’m looking forward to next month, I don’t know why. The news is just as bleak. But I feel like this month has lasted forever, I mean it started in a pretty bad place. And then got worse.

I have spent a full month with my partner, we have only been out of eachother’s company for five hours at the most. I’m glad I haven’t been alone during this time as I think I would have seriously harmed myself. I know I have been difficult to be around, because I have felt trapped in my situation – and boredom is one of my triggers. I think the most difficult things is that I feel like I have no respite.

I phoned up my doctor and got some more medication because intrusive thoughts were taking up four hours of everyday, which I know doesn’t sound like much but normally they patter away in the background with occasional noise breaking through and upsetting me. I feel like I’m in an emotional mosh pit!!!

I was trying to explain to my partner how I am feeling, I said I feel like a pea in my body – with my skin and organs thickening to the point where they are crushing my sense of self.

I feel out of my depth in Kent, I know I said it before but it still feels the same.