Finally admitting it

I have been feeling depressed throughout this year, and I figured I’d wait it out. I still feel like it will pass. But I also feel ready to accept that it’s gotten worse. It’s at a place where it feels hopeless.

I had been reducing my medication, and eventually stopped taking it in February. The reason, that I won’t go into in detail, was that a professional (who I am not working with, but hope to at some point) suggested that I might not be getting the most out of my counselling as my medication was suppressing my emotions. I thought I was ready to go without, mainly because I wanted to show that I am stronger. I’m not.

I returned to the GP this week and handed in an expired repeat prescription. And now I’m trying to get things back to a place I can cope with.

My job is difficult at the moment. I feel very out of my depth, and relatively alone. I am sure I have good people around me, but I feel uncomfortable talking. I am afraid to talk. I know I’ll say how completely depressed I feel.

I have a few friends in Kent I am close to, but I don’t even want to talk to them because I don’t want them to see me like this. I don’t want people to know I am feeling like this.

Getting through the day is exhausting. On the bus I am anxious, I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and on the return journey home I sleep. I’ve stopped commuting so much, as I have found I need to be near my partner so he can calm me down. I work on other campuses so I am close to him and/or home.

I don’t know what I am doing and it scares me.

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