I’ve been to Canterbury this week. The first time I’ve been to a city on public transport since autumn. It was pretty stressful, especially after finding out my debit card had been skimmed and I am no longer going to be published in that journal I was expecting. I was unwell earlier this week but then I was notified I’d won something in #BSUOneMonthOneChange and I’m getting £39 from the Student Experience Fund. I also received another £10 in vouchers from another focus group I’d taken part in which I spent on stationery and seamless underwear.
I’m not going to be in University of Brighton again until October, and I don’t feel much like updating being I’m embarking on a new counselling course and doing psychogeographical stuff.
I wrote a couple of posts this month, but I didn’t feel ready to share. Lockdown easing has just shown me how bad my anxiety has got. During lockdown I guess I could kid myself that I was avoiding things due to safety. This month saw a hairdresser visit and walk to a market that ended in meltdown. I did make £40 in vouchers from focus groups though, I activated them online and asked for them to be posted. But I didn’t realise I had to activate them again so I took them to the supermarket and they got rejected. So then I got stressed out because I spent my actual money that I was budgeting on my normal grown-up sensible grocery shop with.
I felt really embarrassed, and unwell, and sad. But I randomly started watching Girls and saw the main character’s OCD – and it just helped me stop beating myself up for a short while.
He smiled. This would be over quickly. She just needed a tablet.
I watched her think.
No, I don’t wish I was dead. I wish I had never been born.
No, I won’t hurt myself. I’ll stop responding to human contact.
No, I have made no plans to end my life. But I plan to walk away and disappear.
No, I am not a danger to myself or others. I don’t exist.