January 14

More important

Everyday this week I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Spirit Junkie deck and reflecting on it.

All I love is more important than all I fear.

A piece I wrote about my career journal will be published tomorrow.

source: blogs.canterbury.ac.uk/careers/careers-enterprise-online-award/

It will be published on the anniversary of Rosa Luxemburg’s death (I also found out about the Rosa Luxemburg Foundation, and they are recruiting for a project manager!). It feels like good timing.

January 13

Calm and easy

Everyday this week I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Spirit Junkie deck and reflecting on it.

I breathe calm and easily. I am safe in this moment.

I had such a good positive day today. I spoke (online) to some friends, I received a comic in the post that I’m going to use for some zine pages – hopefully, I can get a very late submission in to FIVE BY FIVE.

January 12

Taking on fear

Everyday this week I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Spirit Junkie deck and reflecting on it.

Instead of taking on the fear of others I reflect love.

I like the appearance of this card. I had a one-to-one in my workplace today. I always get so worked up about them; not sleeping the day before and experiencing the usual fight or flight symptoms. The feedback was good. It’s always good. I don’t know why I worry but I do.

Tomorrow I have a tutorial with Jo, and I’ve been think about how to read my portfolio. I don’t have a contents page or much categorisation because I want my portfolio to be a continuous document. But I also am aware that I’m submitting it for assessment, so it needs to have a starting point. Or some sort of way to navigate it. I am trying to think of ways to progress without order or a guide – because my practice is collage, as such, I’d like my portfolio to be read like a collage.

I love my art practice. I wish everything felt as good as making art.

January 11

Let go

Everyday this week I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Spirit Junkie deck and reflecting on it.

My greatest experience of freedom comes when I let go of what others think of me.

Wow, if this card doesn’t sum up my week I don’t know what does! I recently wrote to my favourite author. I’m kinda embarrassed because I was in a bit of a weird head space and just ended up oversharing. I felt such a need to connect.

I have been thinking about class a lot, I feel like a traitor because I’m in a good position at the moment. But it doesn’t feel like me. I am constantly in fear of being told I’m not good enough. But, at the same time, it’s hard to talk about these feelings. Most of my closest friends live precariously. I used to too. But now I have a good salary and a reasonable level of prestige – more than I thought was possible in my youth. It feels downright distasteful to talk about dissatisfaction. I am lucky I know it.

But these feelings are getting in the way of having an open honest conversation… and that is that I feel stupid all the time, I feel uncouth and I am intimidated by people around me. I know I am worthy of being in these spaces. I know I have a reasonable level of knowledge and skill.

These things and feelings aren’t important. But they are beating up my confidence, slowly. Which, again, is no big deal.

My concern is that my feelings are gradually wearing down my rationality.

January 10

Sending good vibes into the world

Everyday this week I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Spirit Junkie deck and reflecting on it.

I send a prayer of love to all beings in need of a miracle.

I watched an episode of Shetland that stayed with me recently. I felt like crying. The character DS Alison McIntosh is talking facing the camera, I don’t know where she is but from the environment it looks like some sort of therapy office. I haven’t been able to find her quote, but it is along the lines of how she watches herself to make sure that the trauma she experienced isn’t changing her. And, at the end, she says It’s exhausting.

I thought about my tiredness, stress and anxiety. I sometimes feel like I spend too long dwelling and feeling stuck (in a memory/emotion…). I wish I could SUMO (shut up move on). I then think that maybe it’s time to SUMO from SUMO. I find myself talking, or thinking ocaasionally, “I feel like this, but I’m trying to remain positive or distract myself…” What if I substituted that for just, “I feel like this“? Why do I feel the need to explain that I’m trying to not feel a certain way? It’s almost like I’m trying to police myself before someone else polices me.

It’s like I have these negative feelings, and the shame of negative feelings. I’ve doubled my load and I don’t need to. OK there may be people who think “Get over it!” and that’s understandable. I am trying to get over it, but I wonder if the time I spend trying to get over it is taking time away from – I don’t know – processing/feeling or being aware.

This lockdown is hard.