February 20

Loosen up

In a seminar last year, one of our suggested activities was to purposely make a mistake. I made a lot of weaves that year. Many of them are misshapen because I like to use one continuous line of material. This month I tried a looser method; I cut multiple strips of material and weaved them without any anchoring knots.

I liked the finished result:

loose weave

loose weave

But then whenever I looked at it again I saw parts unravelling. And I couldn’t stop myself from knotting them all down. I did, however, attempt to do gentler knots.

And I feel that’s summed up this month for me. I’m slightly more relaxed that I usually am.

February 5

Friday feels

Today is a funeral of a friend of my partners family. The sadness feels heavy.

At the same time, my father is getting the first COVID vaccine.

From next month, all the critically extremely vulnerable people in my bubble should have been vaccinated (or, at least, had the first vaccine).

I know there’s still a lot of uncertainty.

But it feels like I can take a breather.

Short. But needed.

February 1

One more left to go

I’m not good at presentations. But I want to get better.

This week I have two in work.

One I volunteered for, one I did not.

I prepared my presentation and wrote out my notes. I read my presentation to myself. I felt happy. I felt like I knew which words to say, and in what order. I didn’t see how it could go wrong.

But it did.

One minute in and I spat onto my chin.

Five minutes in my partner walked past in his boxer shorts (I told him I was presentating).

Six minutes in and my panic made my ears ring.

I wanted to stop. Restart. I wanted the words swilling around in my head to leave my mouth.

The urge to give up becomes overwhelming. I love writing, and I find it so easy for my ideas to flow on a page. It feels so incredibly sad that I can’t vocalise these words.

I splat.

But I’ll try again tomorrow.