Staying out for the summer

I’m taking this month off blogging. I’ve been feeling unwell and I need to switch my brain off for a bit. I feel weird blogging about it, but I hear keeping readers’ updated is good practice.

August plans

  • I’m on holiday – This week I am going to North France and later on Yorkshire
  • My niece is due in a couple of weeks
  • I’m viewing a flat (to buy!)
  • I’m searching for a second job

 

Conversations for Care

On the first Monday of every month there is a Twitterchat at 20:00 around the subject of care experienced people. The Twitterchat is curated by the lovely staff at conversationsforcare.org. For those of you new to Twitterchats what happens is that @convos4care tweet questions and people reply using the hashtag #careconvos. The hastag makes the conversation easier to follow for people not on Twitter, and allows for all the conversations to appear under one URL twitter.com/hashtag/CareConvos.

I don’t talk too much about my new job, because I have been doing it less than two months and I’m feeling self-conscious about my abilities. This Twitterchat is invaluable to me, it made me feel less alone and helped me meet people with similar jobs and experiences. If you are care experienced or have an interest in widening access to education for care experienced people I’d recommend joining in.

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Que fais-je?

I’m on holiday this week. Yay. My partner is taking me to Wissant.

I had dreamy ideas of retiring to France, which always seem to be reignited by a visit. But it’s just a fantasy.

I was offered a place on PGCert Creative Education, I was over the moon for a couple of weeks and then reality hit me. I don’t have the time to do it this year with my counselling course, and my priority is finding a second job. So I had to withdraw… then guess what happened? The college where I plan to do my counselling course is going into administration! (the last place I tried to do this counselling course cancelled it).

But I am hoping to have a job interview in six weeks, so if that is successful I’ll be able to pay off my student loan this year. And save for a deposit on a flat next year.

I am getting better at managing my mental health now. I still have awful panic attacks and feel like an imposter, but I definitely feel like I’m making some progress. It’s slow, but I’m seeing it which is very heartening.

More interviews

I’m trying to keep myself busy with distractions. I wrote a few pieces (creative and reflective) today. Then, the email address I was sending them from expired! Five hours afterwards. It was my college student email account. Gah. So, I don’t know what the feedback is (or will be).

On the brighter side, I’ve been offered a conditional place on Level 3 Counselling in another college, and for some reason the fees have decreased on their website! Yesss.

And I have been invited to interview for PGCert Creative Education in UCA. I also was nudged to apply for a part-time role there. I feel a bit indecisive at the moment, but it’s nice to know that people want me. Though, it has made me wonder Am I good at what I do? or Am I good at looking confident? If so, why don’t I feel confident? It’s all food for thought. Because my lack of confidence makes me wonder if I may be good and people are seeing that. But I am sure I am not good, so it must be the latter. But how weird would that be? Too unconfident to realise I appear confident.

I don’t know what I’ll do if I am offered a place on the course, because I don’t know if I can manage two courses together. I know I will be incredibly busy from 2020-22 so I won’t be able to reapply until after then. And that feels too far away, and my work contract ends in three years. If I am to do this course, next academic year is the best time to do it. But with my mental health this year, I don’t know if it would be too demanding.

 

Finally admitting it

I have been feeling depressed throughout this year, and I figured I’d wait it out. I still feel like it will pass. But I also feel ready to accept that it’s gotten worse. It’s at a place where it feels hopeless.

I had been reducing my medication, and eventually stopped taking it in February. The reason, that I won’t go into in detail, was that a professional (who I am not working with, but hope to at some point) suggested that I might not be getting the most out of my counselling as my medication was suppressing my emotions. I thought I was ready to go without, mainly because I wanted to show that I am stronger. I’m not.

I returned to the GP this week and handed in an expired repeat prescription. And now I’m trying to get things back to a place I can cope with.

My job is difficult at the moment. I feel very out of my depth, and relatively alone. I am sure I have good people around me, but I feel uncomfortable talking. I am afraid to talk. I know I’ll say how completely depressed I feel.

I have a few friends in Kent I am close to, but I don’t even want to talk to them because I don’t want them to see me like this. I don’t want people to know I am feeling like this.

Getting through the day is exhausting. On the bus I am anxious, I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and on the return journey home I sleep. I’ve stopped commuting so much, as I have found I need to be near my partner so he can calm me down. I work on other campuses so I am close to him and/or home.

I don’t know what I am doing and it scares me.