Conduit

Every Sunday until September I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Universe Has Your Back deck and reflecting on it.


Hope is the conduit for miracles.

I’ve been taking part in daily chats with Efe for the past fortnight. I joined the chats after seeing them being promoted by a local Uni Connect team.

I do a lot of work, study and freelancing remotely. And I always considered myself a bit of a lone wolf. So when social distancing started, I thought I’d be OK with it. I was.

But a month passed.

I woke up in bed one morning feeling like I couldn’t face the day. I wanted to leave my course, my job, and if there wasn’t a lockdown I probably would have gotten on a train somewhere. I figured this feeling would pass.

The next day I felt the same. And the day after. I started panicking.

Before I knew it I had spent a fortnight wandering around my flat in a daze. I didn’t want to admit I felt alone and afraid. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. However, I knew keeping silent wasn’t good for me either.

I felt torn and confused. People made me anxious, but I wanted company. I relished working from home, but I couldn’t focus. I value my own space, but I didn’t enjoy being there.

I joined a chat with Efe and made small talk for twenty minutes. Then she asked How are you? How was I? Honestly, I wanted to say so much. But in a conversation, and as someone who finds talking in front of others really difficult, I said My mood is OK. But it’s so hard to focus.

I broke through the wall. I had shared something.

Of course I knew I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t focus. But what I was most afraid of was people judging me on my lack of progress in my work and study. Or the quality of my writing. I knew I wasn’t performing at my best. I was barely stringing a sentence together some days. I wanted to say I need help. But I didn’t know what that meant.

The next day I shared some self-deprecating comments. Just because I wanted other people to talk instead of me.

After that I shared a link to my Moodle meditation club:

Because I was trying to be more mindful, to help myself. I figured maybe other people might feel the same.

The next day we were asked to talk about good things about ourself, then things we are looking forward to.

As someone who is constantly planning ahead I suddenly realised I had stopped thinking about the future completely. I had stopped setting myself goals. I had stopped caring about myself; I had outbreaks of hives and shaved my eyebrows off during a moment of anger. I had stopped listening to the radio; one of the few activities that helps me counter my intrusive thoughts. I had stopped being.

We talked about hobbies, passions, and I found people who I am applying to be on Bargain Hunt with. I talked about my love for Brighton. And my plans for my Name Day. I ordered a brochure about Finlake to send to my Dad (it was our favourite holiday).

Once I started looking ahead my spirit lifted. And Efe‘s last homework assignment was to say Yes more often. I promised myself I’d say Yes to the next question I was asked…

As a result. I have a job interview in one month!!!

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