January 20

Appreciate

Current mood:


source: gabbybernstein.com/superattractordeck

I’ll be starting my next module next week. I’m superexcited but also a little worried about next year. This year I am doing two modules (as I already have a PGCert) but next year I’m doing four modules. I’m doing really well at the moment and feel pretty good. However I am aware that next year my workload will double. I’m confident I’ll manage… but I am also aware that change is often a trigger for me. And next year is a landmark birthday and the end of my current work contract. I don’t want to sound dramatic… if anything, I’m sure my contract will be renewed or I’ll sidestep nicely into another job role… and it’s likely that my landmark birthday will be no big deal.

But I also need to be prepared. I can see a potential trigger in the not-too-distant future. I know that, even though I feel resilient now, multiple and/or overlapping changes take a lot out of me.

I am so looking forward to my next modules, and in eight months I’ll be putting in an application for an EdD! I had planned to do it in Canterbury Christ Church University but the more I’ve been writing the more I feel like I should stay with University of Brighton (and the alumni discount is looking good too).

I keep having vivid dreams about Brighton. Mostly about places in Kemptown where I first lived when I moved to Brighton, thinking about Sidewinder summer evenings with work colleagues, the old Taj (and when it was occupied and briefly had a banner outside reading Sabotaj), the superthick hot chocolates they used to do in RedRoaster (with the Lady of the Cake cakes), the Reclaim the Night ’13 (I just watched a video and cried when I saw myself in the footage), my bedsit above Bayleaf, the Laundry Centre (the cheapest laundrette and therefore – IMO the best), the flea market

… and twittens! I dream in twittens.

January 18

I know my sh¡t

There’s a saying in my flat; I know my sh¡t (my partner says You know your sh¡t). It’s a kinda joke and a kinda truth. It’s something I shout at myself when I’m anxious, or after I’ve had a meeting with good feedback. I had a meeting this week when a colleague praised my work in front of ten other colleagues. It felt good. After the meeting I turned to my partner and said I don’t know why I freaked out so much, I know my sh¡t and he replied You know your sh¡t.

I suddenly remembered a Deathbulge comic from 2013!


source: deathbulge.com/comics/155

I forget sometimes that my feelings are not unique, and times I don’t know my sh¡t are few and far between.

January 16

Healthy love

Everyday this week I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Spirit Junkie deck and reflecting on it.


I welcome healthy loving relationships.

My partner persauded me to leave the flat today and go for a walk along the beach. On the way home we took a shortcut through town and found a little artisan local food shop open. I bought some cookies and my partner bought some jam. We came home and had toast and tea.

I realised it was 350 days until my fortieth birthday. I told my partner that it would be kinda cool if I had a job in London where I could travel on the Thames Clipper every weekday. I like boats. He didn’t know I liked boats. Then we had a half an hour discussion about whether I told him I liked boats in the past two years. I can’t believe the subject never came up until now. I mean, every time I get on a boat I sing I’m On A Boat!