Some songs I can’t get out of my head right now.

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The past two days at work have made me want to scream. My team are super-supportive but lately outside forces have been stepping in to help out. Which is great. But, as a result, I feel like I’m losing track of my work. And honestly, the help would’ve been better appreciated months ago. Right now it’s a distraction.

But… CSR keeps getting better and better. This track plays often and clanging guitars feel the same as the blood pumping through my stressed out head. Also, what a tune.

So. Here I am. I spent today working furiously, and I feel reasonably satisfied with the amount of content I produced. I’ve been using up my annual leave this month so my work bottlenecked at points. I freaked out a bit, but that time passed and I feel good.

I thought about Motion City Soundtrack earlier. Mainly because I was trying to remember what my life looked like fifteen years ago. A lot has changed in that time, but when I am feeling low it feels like no time has passed at all (one of my favourite bloggers, adorabullsh!t, writes about this feeling and I pretty much dig her writing because it’s like looking into a more likeable mirror).

The reason I started thinking about fifteen years ago is beyond me. Well, actually it isn’t but it’s one of those things I don’t want to share in a blog where I share everything. I notice most of the month has been full of recollections of some sort. So, it figures. Maybe. I don’t know. I feel more chaotic than usual. I’m working through it.

I work through things with reflective writing – yes, I know, I am a broken record when it comes to reflective writing. But I do. And I’ll probably not stop being a broken record. Sorry.

So, where was I? I remembered applying to do a counselling course last year (which I didn’t do because I had a lot going on in my head). And I realised that maybe it’s time to reapply. Then I remembered I already did. And I have an interview next month!!! Which I forgot about because this month has been so busy. Also, I can use this skills from the course in my MRes application.

I realised these things as I was writing. And if that is not a shining endorsement for reflective writing I don’t know what is. Now sssh now brain.

Following on from yesterday, I started a new journal today. It’s affectionately named my data dump diary. I had an Anais Anais promotional journal which I bought from a charity shop last year. I was saving it for a special occasion because it was quite fancy. But my noisy brain needed to be organised so I started journalling. I noticed one theme kept recurring…

Ownership

I think this theme keeps coming up because two things I yearn for most is a home of my own and to have control over my labour. The more I explored this in my journal the more I analysed actions from my past. And, you know, things just begun to make sense.

I think, as part of dealing with mental health fallout, there are things I know and things I acknowledge. Knowing is not akin to acknowledgement – in my experience. Knowing feels like it’s sitting on the sideline, watching things happening. Acknowledgement is the child the points out the emperor is naked in The Emperor’s New Clothes. Which sounds obvious now I write it.

The thing about acknowledgement is that once you know that you know, there is no going back. There’s no more blissful feigned ignorance. It’s out there.

So I haven’t discovered anything new, but I am feeling different from before. And my desire for ownershop is driving me harder than before.

NBD normally means no big deal, but for me it is a noisy brain day. Which in itself is no big deal.

It’s when I don’t sleep because my brain decides to list things I want to do. It also decides to try and incorporate all my interests into projects. Half an hour passes like this:

• Research land that is small enough to buy
• Write a business plan for an ecobuild that is also interesting to look at
• If the build has a use for the community I have a better chance of funding, but what am I good at?
• Could the build be used to show the process of the build?
• Look up how to ram earth and source hempcrete
• How do I make windows?
• What if it all falls through? Can I obtain a storage container and make like an avant garde living space?
• Shall I crowdsource? Will I look like a freeloader if I do?
• If I cannot find land small enough to buy look into land to borrow – from university/college/council
• Visit Brighton to see Earthship
• Think about doing a course in permaculture
• Are there DVDs/books I can afford?
• Write a budget spreadsheet
• Put to-do list in my calendar
• Subscribe to RSS feeds when I get to work
• What about other plans in the meantime?
• How do I prioritise?
• Is there somewhere local doing what I plan to do?
• Are there local companies who will work with me?
• What order shall I do things in?
• How do I not get stressed out when loved ones suggest alternative plans because mine are ambitious?
• How to stay positive
• How to quiet my brain down
• Shall I get up and write?
• I want to return to Brighton