So. Here I am. I spent today working furiously, and I feel reasonably satisfied with the amount of content I produced. I’ve been using up my annual leave this month so my work bottlenecked at points. I freaked out a bit, but that time passed and I feel good.
I thought about Motion City Soundtrack earlier. Mainly because I was trying to remember what my life looked like fifteen years ago. A lot has changed in that time, but when I am feeling low it feels like no time has passed at all (one of my favourite bloggers, adorabullsh!t, writes about this feeling and I pretty much dig her writing because it’s like looking into a more likeable mirror).
The reason I started thinking about fifteen years ago is beyond me. Well, actually it isn’t but it’s one of those things I don’t want to share in a blog where I share everything. I notice most of the month has been full of recollections of some sort. So, it figures. Maybe. I don’t know. I feel more chaotic than usual. I’m working through it.
I work through things with reflective writing – yes, I know, I am a broken record when it comes to reflective writing. But I do. And I’ll probably not stop being a broken record. Sorry.
So, where was I? I remembered applying to do a counselling course last year (which I didn’t do because I had a lot going on in my head). And I realised that maybe it’s time to reapply. Then I remembered Ialreadydid. And I have an interview next month!!! Which I forgot about because this month has been so busy. Also, I can use this skills from the course in my MRes application.
I realised these things as I was writing. And if that is not a shining endorsement for reflective writing I don’t know what is. Now sssh now brain.
Following on from yesterday, I started a new journal today. It’s affectionately named my data dump diary. I had an Anais Anais promotional journal which I bought from a charity shop last year. I was saving it for a special occasion because it was quite fancy. But my noisy brain needed to be organised so I started journalling. I noticed one theme kept recurring…
I think this theme keeps coming up because two things I yearn for most is a home of my own and to have control over my labour. The more I explored this in my journal the more I analysed actions from my past. And, you know, things just begun to make sense.
I think, as part of dealing with mental health fallout, there are things I know and things I acknowledge. Knowing is not akin to acknowledgement – in my experience. Knowing feels like it’s sitting on the sideline, watching things happening. Acknowledgement is the child the points out the emperor is naked in The Emperor’s New Clothes. Which sounds obvious now I write it.
The thing about acknowledgement is that once you know that you know, there is no going back. There’s no more blissful feigned ignorance. It’s out there.
So I haven’t discovered anything new, but I am feeling different from before. And my desire for ownershop is driving me harder than before.
Lately I’ve been thinking about Brighton a lot. I even considered a stay in the Nookii room (I was hoping to pitch an article about staying there and get my expenses paid!). But instead I’ve booked some days off to lay in bed and try to avoid the heat. My workplace has been getting busier over the past few weeks and I need a data detox.
The most exciting part of my weekend was that I managed to write an article in an hour and I’ve filled an application form to get my advanced learner loan written off. Oh, and I applied to do a nail technology course. Yes. OK I know it’s weird. Especially as most people who know me know I don’t wear make-up, I’ve never worn any make-up other than eyeliner, eye shadow and lip tint. I don’t even know most things a manicurist does. Other than paint nails. And maybe file.
I am tiring of feeling no control over my output. I want to try something new. And I want a skill I can sell to other people. So, let’s see where this takes me.