January 12

Below the triggers

Every Sunday until September I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Universe Has Your Back deck and reflecting on it.


True healing occurs when I give myself permission to feel whatever feelings live below the triggers.

This card feels so relevant to me this month. Last week I wrote about direction. And I realised that the goals I set for myself are distractions; I equate change with an opportunity to leave issues that are getting me down. I love having goals. At the moment there are seven things I want to achieve. What I notice they all have in common is that they give me a degree of autonomy. That’s not to say that the goals I give myself are useless, or a mask for my problems, but that they represent a greater need in me. That need is to have control over my labour, and to feel good about the work I do.

Two things that pop up regularly in my thoughts are value and freedom. I want to make a difference; to do good in the world and feel proud of my efforts. I also want flexibility – which I do have now to a certain extent. But I also want to pursue what interests me – which is why I am regularly applying to courses and taking on additional jobs/work. I am interested in creativity, wellbeing and learning. I feel inspired by these issues and I want to work in areas that inspire me.

So my trigger – I think – is boredom and pointlessness.

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January 5

Realign

Every Sunday until September I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Universe Has Your Back deck and reflecting on it.


The moment I realign with love, clear direction is presented to me.

I started off the year reluctant to talk too much about what’s getting me down. Because complaining feels counter-productive, and also I feel so low I don’t have the energy to share. I feel like I’m on the verge of tears, and without direction. I received a letter last month from the college I am applying to do a counselling course with – it was confusing – I had applied to do Level 3 but the acceptance letter was for Level 2. I emailed questioning it and got no response. This week I received another letter titled Counselling Level 2 course cancellation, but the body of the letter mentioned Level 3 being cancelled. The disorganisation made me thankful I decided not to study there.

A week later I received an email from a counselling training centre I interviewed for last spring; they charge twice the amount of the college I applied to (and quadruple the amount of the original college I studied at – yikes!) but I left the interview feeling like the centre just wasn’t for me at the time. At that time I wrote an essay, which was later published, about the sensory overload caused by the busy waiting area in the centre. But the email said that there are places left on the course, and the timing feels pretty good.

If successful, the course would fit nicely between the start of my second job and my potential return to Masters study. However, the salary from my second job would be put to much better use elsewhere.

There were too many options to think through! I got a headache.

And then I just sat next to my partner and talked through my feelings. I didn’t come to a resolution but I felt so much better after voicing my worries. I went to bed feeling just as confused, however I had a plan for the new year! Keep posted 🙂

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