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January 12

Below the triggers

Every Sunday until September I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Universe Has Your Back deck and reflecting on it.


True healing occurs when I give myself permission to feel whatever feelings live below the triggers.

This card feels so relevant to me this month. Last week I wrote about direction. And I realised that the goals I set for myself are distractions; I equate change with an opportunity to leave issues that are getting me down. I love having goals. At the moment there are seven things I want to achieve. What I notice they all have in common is that they give me a degree of autonomy. That’s not to say that the goals I give myself are useless, or a mask for my problems, but that they represent a greater need in me. That need is to have control over my labour, and to feel good about the work I do.

Two things that pop up regularly in my thoughts are value and freedom. I want to make a difference; to do good in the world and feel proud of my efforts. I also want flexibility – which I do have now to a certain extent. But I also want to pursue what interests me – which is why I am regularly applying to courses and taking on additional jobs/work. I am interested in creativity, wellbeing and learning. I feel inspired by these issues and I want to work in areas that inspire me.

So my trigger – I think – is boredom and pointlessness.

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March 18

Run

I have so much to say, but I’m at a loss for words. I think it’s that floodgate moment when if someone asked if I am OK all the things that are not OK will come out. I want to talk but I also don’t. It’s my last two/three (I’m losing track of time) weeks in my current role. I have a really great team who could probably give me good advice or at least words of comfort right now. However, I sit with my back to the centre of the room unable to get out of my headspace. Sometimes I stop for a few minutes of chatter. When I do I realise how much I am going to miss my team and it feels too sad so I go back into my little bubble.

I don’t want to leave Canterbury but I’m struggling to function. I think I just need some time off to think about how to move forward. What does forward look like?

I’ve been working on vision boards and I’ve discovered the main thing I want is flexibility; the freedom to work from home if my mental health is not good, or to work from other places if an emergency calls me out of the county, or to work at the evening if my bedsit is too cold that getting up is painful and I have to stay with a friend until the worst of the chill is over, or to work afternoons because my first bus has abusive people on it and I’m scared of seeing them and I’ve started walking a mile to avoid them and it’s exhausting, or to work longer weeks when I suddenly have an idea for process improvement that is driving my enthusiasm at top speed and I can not stop.

How can I ask for flexibility doing entry-level administration? My skills are not good enough that I can ask for concessions. But I want to work and I want a level of autonomy.

I need time for a springboard into wellness. But how can I ask for that? I’ve decided going back to temping is a good option, but that comes without security or many development opportunities. I feel constantly on square one – which is where the problem lies. If I step off it, it’s my only way back in. I’m tired.

 

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