Lavender
I went out for a long walk yesterday to attempt to clear my head. It has been weeks since I last went on a long walk. I only managed six miles because the sky went grey and I felt too cold. I was disappointed to head home, but six miles is better than sitting on the sofa.
I was talking to a colleague about my tumbling thoughts last month. I’m not sure what the correct (medical?) term for them is but, for me, they are similar in style to cringe attacks:
I decided to try to make a list of the way my thoughts tumble when I’m out walking. It was difficult to do but I noticed that during difficult times my thoughts generally tumble towards a memory from the past and then get stuck on repeat. However, when I am calmer I am able to steer my thoughts better. The thoughts tend to be triggered by things I encounter, and then eachother.
| Trigger | Thought / Memory | Feeling |
|---|---|---|
| Throwing out mouldy food | Realising I cannot afford to spend on food this week | Worry |
| Previous thought | Thinking about foods I’d like to eat | Happy |
| Passing the university | Thinking about money (again) | Worry |
| Exhibition in the university | Seeing the content warning and acknowledging my state | Alert |
| Walking past my GP surgery | Remembering my appointment | Tired |
| Previous thought | Thinking about returning to work | Tired |
| Previous thought | Thinking about what kind of work I’d like to do | Hopeful |
| Previous thought | Remembering the art technician from my school | Alert |
| Previous thought | Awareness that I am thinking about a triggering time | Alert |
| Boy Racer loud music | Thinking about Paris to Berlin by Infernal | Happy |
| Previous thought | Wanting a Paris t-shirt | Happy |
| Previous thought | Thinking about money and fitness so I can dress differently | Hopeful |
| Previous thought | Thinking about cute head scarves and hats | Calm |
| Previous thought | Thinking about haircuts and hair care | Calm |
| Cyclists | Thinking about Raleigh Cameo | Hopeful |
| Walkers looking fashionable | Thinking about fitness (walking faster) | Alert |
| Previous thought | Remembering my healthiness in 2006 | Alert |
| Previous thought | Thinking about ex-colleagues | Alert |
| Previous thought | Thinking of a deceased ex-colleague | Sad |
| Previous thought | Awareness of negative thought loop | Alert |
| Coaches | Thinking about North France | Hopeful |
| Previous thought | Remembering Boulogne | Alert |
| Previous thought | Awareness of nearby triggering thought | Alert |
| Previous thought | Thinking of travelling | Hopeful |
| Previous thought | Hoping to have a job involving travelling | Hopeful |
| Previous thought | Making a plan to visit the museum | Happy |
| The Marina | Thinking about places to live (inc Western Concourse) | Exasperated |
| The car park | Thinking about being able to drive | Calm |
| Previous thought | Doing a weekly shop and living away from Brighton | Mixed |
| Previous thought | Thinking about people and places I’d miss | Alert |
| Previous thought | Thinking about MRes and future career plans | Confused |
| A couple walking | Thinking about Nate and Jeremiah by Design | Calm |
| Previous thought | Thinking about verandas | Calm |
| Rollerskaters | Wanting to do rollerderby | Mixed |
| Previous thought | Thinking about Whip It | Calm |
| Previous thought | Remembering the lady who said I reminded her of Juno | Happy |
| Previous thought | Thinking about the Mouldy Peaches | Calm |
| Food stall smells | Remembering my sister and family visiting | Happy |
| Pavilion Shop | Thinking about museum learning | Happy |
| Lavender pouches | Thinking about lavender field | Happy |
| Previous thought | Thinking about visiting DEBRA | Calm |
| At DEBRA | Bought three lavender pouches | Calm |
Now these are just the thoughts I remember. There were other thoughts I had which involved imagining what I would like to look like and do in the future. Also, each thought described here is just an overview, if I broke down the thoughts this post will be huge.
Yesterday was a good day. I can tell by the amount of control I felt I had over my mind.
I was also pleased to buy three Le Chatelard 1802 lavender pouches for £1.99 in DEBRA. Each pouch was labelled 99p, but the Gift Aid sticker and bar code said £1.99 so they scanned that. My pillow smelt lovely last night.
