Everyday this week I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Spirit Junkie deck and reflecting on it.

I send a prayer of love to all beings in need of a miracle.

I watched an episode of Shetland that stayed with me recently. I felt like crying. The character DS Alison McIntosh is talking facing the camera, I don’t know where she is but from the environment it looks like some sort of therapy office. I haven’t been able to find her quote, but it is along the lines of how she watches herself to make sure that the trauma she experienced isn’t changing her. And, at the end, she says It’s exhausting.

I thought about my tiredness, stress and anxiety. I sometimes feel like I spend too long dwelling and feeling stuck (in a memory/emotion…). I wish I could SUMO (shut up move on). I then think that maybe it’s time to SUMO from SUMO. I find myself talking, or thinking ocaasionally, “I feel like this, but I’m trying to remain positive or distract myself…” What if I substituted that for just, “I feel like this“? Why do I feel the need to explain that I’m trying to not feel a certain way? It’s almost like I’m trying to police myself before someone else polices me.

It’s like I have these negative feelings, and the shame of negative feelings. I’ve doubled my load and I don’t need to. OK there may be people who think “Get over it!” and that’s understandable. I am trying to get over it, but I wonder if the time I spend trying to get over it is taking time away from – I don’t know – processing/feeling or being aware.

This lockdown is hard.