Everyday this week I’ll be pulling a (virtual) card from the Spirit Junkie deck and reflecting on it.
Wow, if this card doesn’t sum up my week I don’t know what does! I recently wrote to my favourite author. I’m kinda embarrassed because I was in a bit of a weird head space and just ended up oversharing. I felt such a need to connect.
I have been thinking about class a lot, I feel like a traitor because I’m in a good position at the moment. But it doesn’t feel like me. I am constantly in fear of being told I’m not good enough. But, at the same time, it’s hard to talk about these feelings. Most of my closest friends live precariously. I used to too. But now I have a good salary and a reasonable level of prestige – more than I thought was possible in my youth. It feels downright distasteful to talk about dissatisfaction. I am lucky I know it.
But these feelings are getting in the way of having an open honest conversation… and that is that I feel stupid all the time, I feel uncouth and I am intimidated by people around me. I know I am worthy of being in these spaces. I know I have a reasonable level of knowledge and skill.
These things and feelings aren’t important. But they are beating up my confidence, slowly. Which, again, is no big deal.
My concern is that my feelings are gradually wearing down my rationality.