I’ve been quiet for a while. I spent the latter part of last month visiting a relative recovering after leaving hospital. It’s still difficult to talk about at the moment, because I have so much fear and sadness swept up in me. Later this month I’ll hear more regarding a diagnosis and care for my relative. I don’t mean to be so vague but I’m not ready to share much more yet.

During the visit I hurt my back laying around for too long. I hadn’t intended on staying away from home for such a long length of time… but complications arose in the hospital and I spent five days in a state of panic. I missed my medication because I had spiralled (which in turn resulted in my neglecting self-care).

Now I’m back home, and people are talking about Xmas. I don’t want to hear about it. My partner has been trying to cheer me up, and wanted to get a Xmas tree but I said no. I know I have no reason to be so mean but it’s hard to function as normal when everything feels so frickin’ abnormal.

I keep thinking about the poem, For Nick, which has the opening line The sun rises and sets. Everyday things feel so weird during times of grief. I feel constantly surprised that the world hasn’t stopped along with me. I know it’s a selfish feeling, but I feel it.