I’m on holiday this week. Yay. My partner is taking me to Wissant.

I had dreamy ideas of retiring to France, which always seem to be reignited by a visit. But it’s just a fantasy.

I was offered a place on PGCert Creative Education, I was over the moon for a couple of weeks and then reality hit me. I don’t have the time to do it this year with my counselling course, and my priority is finding a second job. So I had to withdraw… then guess what happened? The college where I plan to do my counselling course is going into administration! (the last place I tried to do this counselling course cancelled it).

But I am hoping to have a job interview in six weeks, so if that is successful I’ll be able to pay off my student loan this year. And save for a deposit on a flat next year.

I am getting better at managing my mental health now. I still have awful panic attacks and feel like an imposter, but I definitely feel like I’m making some progress. It’s slow, but I’m seeing it which is very heartening.

I’m trying to keep myself busy with distractions. I wrote a few pieces (creative and reflective) today. Then, the email address I was sending them from expired! Five hours afterwards. It was my college student email account. Gah. So, I don’t know what the feedback is (or will be).

On the brighter side, I’ve been offered a conditional place on Level 3 Counselling in another college, and for some reason the fees have decreased on their website! Yesss.

And I have been invited to interview for PGCert Creative Education in UCA. I also was nudged to apply for a part-time role there. I feel a bit indecisive at the moment, but it’s nice to know that people want me. Though, it has made me wonder Am I good at what I do? or Am I good at looking confident? If so, why don’t I feel confident? It’s all food for thought. Because my lack of confidence makes me wonder if I may be good and people are seeing that. But I am sure I am not good, so it must be the latter. But how weird would that be? Too unconfident to realise I appear confident.

I don’t know what I’ll do if I am offered a place on the course, because I don’t know if I can manage two courses together. I know I will be incredibly busy from 2020-22 so I won’t be able to reapply until after then. And that feels too far away, and my work contract ends in three years. If I am to do this course, next academic year is the best time to do it. But with my mental health this year, I don’t know if it would be too demanding.

I have been feeling depressed throughout this year, and I figured I’d wait it out. I still feel like it will pass. But I also feel ready to accept that it’s gotten worse. It’s at a place where it feels hopeless.

I had been reducing my medication, and eventually stopped taking it in February. The reason, that I won’t go into in detail, was that a professional (who I am not working with, but hope to at some point) suggested that I might not be getting the most out of my counselling as my medication was suppressing my emotions. I thought I was ready to go without, mainly because I wanted to show that I am stronger. I’m not.

I returned to the GP this week and handed in an expired repeat prescription. And now I’m trying to get things back to a place I can cope with.

My job is difficult at the moment. I feel very out of my depth, and relatively alone. I am sure I have good people around me, but I feel uncomfortable talking. I am afraid to talk. I know I’ll say how completely depressed I feel.

I have a few friends in Kent I am close to, but I don’t even want to talk to them because I don’t want them to see me like this. I don’t want people to know I am feeling like this.

Getting through the day is exhausting. On the bus I am anxious, I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and on the return journey home I sleep. I’ve stopped commuting so much, as I have found I need to be near my partner so he can calm me down. I work on other campuses so I am close to him and/or home.

I don’t know what I am doing and it scares me.

Mystic Antidotes

I am trying to fight depression and panic attacks with comforting scents. It works until I leave the house. My latest find is Mystic Antidotes and I’m thinking of collecting mists. That’s my day, folks.