It’s ten days until my birthday. I try not to think about it, but as it falls on New Year’s Day I’m naturally drawn to talk about it. Because that’s what people do. It’s a time to celebrate, reflect and make plans.

This season is a difficult time. I used to deal with the difficulty by pretending this time of year is the same as the rest of the year. I don’t celebrate Christmas so it really is just another day to me. However, it’s not just another day for many people. And it is a time where I’m being triggered a lot. Well-meaning people are asking me about my relationships, home and sometimes they ask about my past. My evasive answers seem odd, so sometimes they question me.

Honestly, my I don’t celebrate Christmas comment often gets me a grilling. So this year I’ve softened my approach with I don’t celebrate Christmas and it also is a really difficult time for me. My plans are self-care. That’s all. It’s working so far!

Resolutions
I don’t do resolutions, my goals change and grow from day-to-day but 2017 could be an important year for me so I’ll list some things than may happen (it’s also good to focus on the positive!)

• More blogging (I’m taking part in EdublogsClub)
• Applying for jobs in museums
• Completing (if all goes well) my PGCert in Inclusive Arts Practice!!!
• More weekend trips to the westcountry
• Saving up to take my partner on a really special holiday in November
• Potentially standing for election again

https://twitter.com/ninabrighton/status/811710881444687872

I met with my course leader and I’m hoping to return to the course next month. I’ve seen a new counsellor twice. I’m working extra days this week and, as well as the extra money, I’m enjoying spending more time with my alumni colleagues. Last Friday was the Xmas party. It was special.

https://twitter.com/ninabrighton/status/809806829878448132

https://twitter.com/ninabrighton/status/809774001425907712

Days are mostly passing without items of note. I’m sleeping well. I shaved my hair off. I’m talking. I’m leaving the flat multiple times a day. I’ve started wearing braces (the suspenders type). I’m trying to read but my concentration is FUBAR. My friend gave me two driving lessons, five minute were spent driving – the rest of the time was spent shouting profanities at the steering wheel. I don’t want to think about the future. I missed my name day because I was so depressed I didn’t notice it arrive or leave.

But I’m doing better than I was.

I don’t really know where to begin. After weeks of triggers I finally made a disclosure about what started it all off to the university’s counselling service. What followed took a lot out of me.

I’ve been spending the fortnight trying to get some private counselling in place. I eventually found someone I really can’t afford but they are the only person who seems to be able to see me as frequently as I need and can support my type of history. I’m also in the process of applying for DSA which is difficult because I have to deal with my GP and, as helpful as he is, the surgery never seem to be able to fit me in within a week (this year, my wait for an appointment has averaged on eight days).

I swung out of the worst of my depression last weekend. I actually remember it. I remember the contrast from the week before. I remember originally feeling like I was walking through a fog and could not engage with anyone/anything. Last weekend I walked to town and just remember the clarity of shapes, textures and colours of the environment. My university building looked like a sharp cold block and the passing breeze hurt the skin over my cheekbone.

I told my course leader I wanted to withdraw but I’m not sure I do. I think I just don’t want to talk ever again. But then he suggested deferral which would really help. But then that’s another year in Brighton. I don’t want that, but I’m not sure why – I don’t know if it’s just the depression talking or if I’m actually ready to make a move somewhere else. I’m meeting him this week to discuss my options and I genuinely feel awful – like I’m wasting his time.

I’ve seen a couple of jobs in nearby university cities that I’ve applied for. One I think I stand a really good chance of getting. That thought frightens me a little bit. I could potentially move in two weeks! It sounds like a really good opportunity for me. The other is one I really really want – it combines all of my favourite things (education, art and outreach). I think I’d be in seventh heaven if I got it. The only downside is that one is low paid and the other is part-time!

Right now, I want to continue with my course and do my assessments next year (next term or next academic year – I’d be happy with either). I want to do the next module really badly. We have a week in the Tate and I’ve always dreamt of doing something like this. Realistically, I need to get support in place before I continue – specifically, a crisis plan. I underestimated the support I would need this year and I should’ve applied for all the support available, that way I would’ve had a least something in place at all times.

But it’s not all bad. I’m sorting through my stuff today (so it’s easier to move when the time arrives) and I feel like I’m making steps towards a positive place. When my mood improves I tend to forget how I felt at my worse and I just enjoy moments of calm. It is at these times I should be dealing with bureaucracy and referrals and all that other stuff I don’t feel well enough to do the rest of the time. I’m making a conscious decision to do this now!

Here’s my nephew. He gives the best cuddles.

Such a happy boy now his bottom teeth are here xxx pic.twitter.com/jKC2dVQi17

— Chloe Wilson (@Chloeangel266) December 4, 2016

In the day since I last updated I have completely reprioritised my schedule. I have been typing up my notes for the reflective journal – or rather, staring at them and trying to figure out what I meant. I’m going to finish my workshop’s zine next term. I am going to change my presentation to an issue I feel uncomfortable talking about, but it’s something that’s in my mind a lot. And probably something I need to address.

At the moment, I’m struggling to be professional on my course. I am feeling a lot of emotion in the sessions and I’ve been regularly triggered since the start of this month. However, I think I have also done a lot of healing and made a better effort of acknowledging my need for self-care.

Reading through my notes, I recognise things I have written while I was depressed or anxious. I recognise that if I’m feeling low when I am reflecting on my course experiences that I frame them in a very negative way. For example, I see my fear of saying goodbye to the Rocket artists this week as a sign that I’m not equipped to work with people and I probably need to climb back into my data entry hole and not engage with other humans. Which, when you read this, looks like an overreaction but that is just the way my brain is working.

Ampersandgate
Another thing I’m noticing is that my train of thought does not stop until it goes to negative places in my past. A passing comment about grammar and punctuation I overheard from another conversation outside my group reminded me of how I used to find the shape of ampersands so pleasing that I used them whenever I could. I knew that I was using them incorrectly, but I loved them and I didn’t think using them would bother anyone. But a colleague from an investment bank decided one day to dictate words to me when I was writing emails during our training sessions. She would not let me use the ampersand, she keep saying “Write the word and. It’s A N D… A N D. C’mon you can do it.” But I was freaking out because she ruined the consistency of my email history and I wanted to challenge her tone but I was too afraid.

I wanted to challenge her because I get fed up of people assuming anything I do is because I don’t know any better – I know things I do are atypical but I weigh these things up. I do these things when I feel safe to do so. I used the ampersand in an email because it was an informal email – to a colleague I get on with from my personal account. When I emailed a client I used “and” and I sent from a group email address. When I write an letter, of course I am as formal as I can be. I could not bring myself to say any of these things to her. And this frequently happens, it’s easy to keep quiet because explaining my reasoning feels too overwhelming.

Sushi
I frequently talk/write about how proud and surprised I am that I am studying at university. This feeling hasn’t changed. I don’t think it will. And for that reason, I often feel displaced. I thought I’d eventually begin to feel like I am entitled to be in the place I occupy but any setback just makes me question how I managed to get here. I still have the words my family ringing in my ears; “University is not for the likes of us.” I constantly feel like I’m in a sushi bar. I remember reading about a sushi bar opening in one of my sister’s teenage girl magazines back in the 1990s and I remember thinking that only fashionable successful London-based career women would go there with their friends. So whenever I go to a sushi bar I feel like an imposter in a royal court. Obviously I now know that working class people can to university and sushi bars! But knowing and feeling are completely different things.

Setbacks
I’m taking time and care when I reflect on my failures now. I’ve had a few bad weeks now and I feel it when talking to people – I feel like I’m so far behind everyone else and it makes me reluctant to keep pushing forward. I know I need to shake off this mindset. Am I failing? Or am I looking to be a failure because it gives me an excuse to give up?

I cannot believe it is one month until Boxing Day! I’ve got so much to do in the next two weeks and, because I’ve been ill lately and a little overwhelmed, I’ve mismanaged my schedule (again!)

On the positive side, last week I was awarded a learning grant from UNISON Women. I am so touched and incredibly grateful. This money is going towards materials for my course – I had to halt work on my project earlier this month because I had run out of money, but now I can continue. Even though I’m stressed because I have fallen behind schedule, the grant has helped me feel motivated and confident again. It also means I can focus on my coursework for the rest of the year, while I put job searching on a back-burner.

I have been offered an extra week of work this term (helping out on a research project). I jumped at the opportunity and I started yesterday. When I originally discussed the project I underestimated the time I would take by 30%. I feel bad about this. I know I have no reason to feel bad, because my colleagues trust that I’m working to the best of my abilities and the timeframe I suggested was ambitious. I just wish I could deliver what I promised. I don’t like delaying people, and that’s what I feel like I’m doing.

I met a new mentee last week and I’m meeting him again on Friday to discuss our timetables going forward. I juggled my timetable around and gave extra shifts in my second job to a colleague so I could move shifts in my main job to work around our planned timetable. But it looks like our contact day is going to change again. This means I’ll have to retract my latest job application because I will not be able to commit to the hours they want me to do. I’m disappointed about retracting my job application as it had great hours, salary, location and scope for promotion. But it just looks like it’s not going to work for me right now, oh well. These things happen.

My assessment on my course is happening in ten days! Ten. Of course, it’s a ten minute presentation. I had a group tutorial a few days ago and we discussed ideas for the presentation. After the session I questioned whether I should study next academic year (my original plan was to continue onto the MA once I saved up the money for it). I just realised that I cannot focus on the assessment because I’m too busy freaking out about having to talk to a room of people. Obviously I love my course and I’d love to do well in it, but I don’t know how to give a good presentation when I can’t bear the thought of just giving a presentation.

The second part of my assessment is a reflective journal. I wanted to do it in the format of a zine, but time and energy are against me at the moment. So I think it will actually be a reflective journal. I’m feeling a little more confident about that. I just need to type up my notes and that part is done. Yay.

Tomorrow is dedicated to reading journals, scanning artwork from the workshop I facilitated and organising the pages into an easily printable format. Monday morning will be printing and stapling a zine together. I’m hoping that in those inbetween moments I can start on my Powerpoint. Tuesday is my final museum session with the Rocket artists this term. As my contact day with my mentee is changing again we are meeting on Friday to discuss it. Therefore, my two days work this week will be spread over three days and I’ll have to fit a half day in Wednesday (but that will be split between morning and afternoon because my second job is smack bang in the middle of the day). I’m also working Wednesday evening so that day is going to look interesting. Thursday is data entry and Friday is four or five hours on the research project for work.

So I have no other option than to have a last minute panic about my assessment next weekend.

Due to my hectic fortnight I completely forgot about and subsequently missed Tale of Tales at Parallel Worlds V&A yesterday. To say I am gutted is an understatement. I have been a huge Tale of Tales fan for years (I even have a tattoo inspired by the Path). I swore at myself for five minutes when I read about the event on social media today.