I don’t really know where to begin. After weeks of triggers I finally made a disclosure about what started it all off to the university’s counselling service. What followed took a lot out of me.

I’ve been spending the fortnight trying to get some private counselling in place. I eventually found someone I really can’t afford but they are the only person who seems to be able to see me as frequently as I need and can support my type of history. I’m also in the process of applying for DSA which is difficult because I have to deal with my GP and, as helpful as he is, the surgery never seem to be able to fit me in within a week (this year, my wait for an appointment has averaged on eight days).

I swung out of the worst of my depression last weekend. I actually remember it. I remember the contrast from the week before. I remember originally feeling like I was walking through a fog and could not engage with anyone/anything. Last weekend I walked to town and just remember the clarity of shapes, textures and colours of the environment. My university building looked like a sharp cold block and the passing breeze hurt the skin over my cheekbone.

I told my course leader I wanted to withdraw but I’m not sure I do. I think I just don’t want to talk ever again. But then he suggested deferral which would really help. But then that’s another year in Brighton. I don’t want that, but I’m not sure why – I don’t know if it’s just the depression talking or if I’m actually ready to make a move somewhere else. I’m meeting him this week to discuss my options and I genuinely feel awful – like I’m wasting his time.

I’ve seen a couple of jobs in nearby university cities that I’ve applied for. One I think I stand a really good chance of getting. That thought frightens me a little bit. I could potentially move in two weeks! It sounds like a really good opportunity for me. The other is one I really really want – it combines all of my favourite things (education, art and outreach). I think I’d be in seventh heaven if I got it. The only downside is that one is low paid and the other is part-time!

Right now, I want to continue with my course and do my assessments next year (next term or next academic year – I’d be happy with either). I want to do the next module really badly. We have a week in the Tate and I’ve always dreamt of doing something like this. Realistically, I need to get support in place before I continue – specifically, a crisis plan. I underestimated the support I would need this year and I should’ve applied for all the support available, that way I would’ve had a least something in place at all times.

But it’s not all bad. I’m sorting through my stuff today (so it’s easier to move when the time arrives) and I feel like I’m making steps towards a positive place. When my mood improves I tend to forget how I felt at my worse and I just enjoy moments of calm. It is at these times I should be dealing with bureaucracy and referrals and all that other stuff I don’t feel well enough to do the rest of the time. I’m making a conscious decision to do this now!

Here’s my nephew. He gives the best cuddles.

Such a happy boy now his bottom teeth are here xxx pic.twitter.com/jKC2dVQi17

— Chloe Wilson (@Chloeangel266) December 4, 2016