The saying about getting up on
The right side of the bed
Often made me wonder if there is
A right side of my head

What would that be like?
A day with less noise
Filtering out thoughts
Would I feel joy?

The truth is I cannot imagine
A time without struggle
Or a night without shrieks
Life outside my bubble

It’s impossible to picture
A serene version of me
Although I surround myself with peace
It’s something I cannot be

My fluctuating moods
Knock me off my feet
But they also make me feel alive
They are part of what make me complete

I am just not feelin’ it
You know? Creativity and/or inspiration
I think I’ll quit

I am just not feelin’ it
The fear kicked my chest
I’ve passed my best

I took a break
I don’t have what it takes
I think I’ll quit

I am just not feelin’ it
My writing is sh¡t
Just sssh for a bit

My brain is on holiday
For an extended stay
I think I’ll quit

OK maybe I’m rhyming silly
But the truth is I am scared stiff
I am just not feelin’ it
I think I’ll quit

As I visit I am reminded to take off my coat
An olive green parka
I feel shame that I forgot to consider
What this colour means to you
Like forgetting a name, or birthday
A sting of guilt
The ward contains you
But your spirit darts around as much as your eyes
You are confused to be where you are
When you notice you’re here
The rest of the time you are in a trench
Your television is older than me
A constant noise in the background, even when it’s turned off

It is my day off
The day I assign to writing
The blank pages sadden me
I splatter my words across the space
Some will be OK
I’m ashamed and embarrassed about them
Writing used to be a joy
But I submit some half-baked essay to a magazine
Because the alternative is not to get paid

I’m good at selling rubbish.

So I switch on a massage video

All whispers and brushing and scratching

My head tingles
My eyes roll back
And I sleep

I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know
Why I am so driven
To make a difference
Yet so insecure
Afraid to speak out loud
Opinions clattering like a slot machine
In my mind
But the face just beams kindly

I passed my last assessment
I am going up a level
Another success under my belt
I felt nothing

I question why I continue
What I hope to achieve

Hoping the next promotion or publication or award
Will mean something
I will be enough

I will leap out of bed in the morning and feel ready for the day