When
Does
Pattern
Engender
Schizoaffective
Autosuggestibility?

Aspiring to an idea
That doesn’t exist
It’s neither
Good nor bad
It just is

As I prepare for conference
I reach for my notes
My information pack
Opening my folder
The agenda falls into my lap
And a pear,

A pear, a pear
Takes me back
There
Where
We met

On a tray by reception
People dived for the pastries
But I told you, I love pears
Because I wanted to grow an orchard
And apples were too complicated
For the rest of the day you dropped pears into my hands

The difference between me and her
Is that she’s cleverer
And I’m… what am I?
You didn’t say it

I’m twenty years her senior
An academic underachiever
How can you compare me to her?
She’s brilliant, I’m mediocre (and happy to admit it)

Her success is down to her merit
Not a tick box exercise
I hear you clumsily backtrack
When my eyebrows involuntarily rise

Mumbles about affirmative action
Genuine talent
Not relying on handouts
I want to shout:

I did not have someone in my youth
Driving me to sports practice, music lessons, extra maths classes
My parents didn’t move to a fancy postcode so I’d get a good school
Nobody helped me with my homework, or told me what to do

So how come my accomplishment is attributed to others?
Yet hers is not?

Washed out
The cool surf
Sunfaded canvas
Navy and white
Lights switch on
As dusk arrives
Clinking slot machines
Swirling faces
Pass in a bumper car
Or on a carousel
Caramelised smell
Candy floss stuck to my nails
Sandals slap the deck
Flag poles creak in the growing breeze
Throwing a stole around my neck
I walk to my hotel
Check in, and cry
Because my home is now a holiday
My home is no longer mine