We all know that normal is a social construct. I get that, but for the sake of this post I’ll use this word to describe this time in the bereavement process when things are starting to resemble how they were before the loss. My days are a mixture of study (I’m attending two colleges; MidKent and Open College of the Arts), temporary work, and procrastination.

My to-do list is getting bigger and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. Because normality is so exhausting when it’s not normal at all.

Loss has started to feel like a dull ache. A pain that occasionally twangs. On the surface, healed.

Over the past few months I kept to myself and did nothing out of the ordinary. Somedays not leaving bed. But now my world is opening up again and I see there is going to be so many experiences that I won’t be able to share with all of my loved ones. Things I cannot say. Times I cannot spend.

Last month Alumni Engagement were doing a giveaway and I won.

Natives by Akala

I’ll be returning to Brighton in less than a month. I have six more workshops and then I’ll have a PGDip. I’m a little gutted that I won’t be leaving with a MA but I don’t have the energy to think about further academia.

Saying that, I went to an open evening at my new workplace and a colleague mentioned PhD by Portfolio so… you never know…

In my third week at the Graduate College I was asked what my future plans are. I was at a loss for words. I am so used to having goals but I have none. My supervisor has liked my work so my contract has been extended for a quarter. It felt good, especially as I was worried at my data processing speed.

I’ve been shortlisted for a couple more jobs. One I had to decline as it clashed with my university and college courses (why am I doing three at once!?) But the other is a funded by Office for Students.

I submitted an image to the OCASA calendar call for entries. I wasn’t selected but here’s the image if you’d like a laugh.

source: ocasa.org.uk/post/presenting-the-ocasa-2022-edi-calendar

It’s my birthday, and it has taken me what feels like a long time to write this blog post. The main reason is that this will push Dad off the front page of my blog. Of course I can do things to change that; pin posts, delete posts, edit the layout… blah blah blah. However, I want to stick to my current style for the time being.

This month I started back at the Graduate College and it has been a great experience. Not without challenges, though. My biggest concern in the first few weeks was my data processing speed. It was so much slower than I predicted. I was given a task to do and I genuinely thought it would take three days. but at the rate I am going it’ll be three weeks.

I knew I’d be rusty. But I did not expect to be beating myself up over my performance. Especially as my progress was not as fast as I hoped it would be. I predicted a 10% increase in speed everyday as I became more familiar with the database. But I am struggling to focus and/or retain information.

One of the better sides of my new job is that I think it’ll get me more acquainted with the different elements of being a research student. So who knows what the future will hold?