Leap
I was doing a bit of math in mind after speaking to my partner. The last time it was a leap year, I was spending this month deleting all my blog entries prior to March 2016. You see, in February 2016 I withdrew from my undergraduate degree and I was trying to figure out what to do next. I can’t remember much about last leap day but I expect I was comparing it to leap day 2012 when I was having an anniversary meal in Northern Lights (now The Pipeline).
This week I’ve been unwell. Hardly surprising, when I look back at my writing, I can see the unease that comes before a bad mental health spell brewing for a month. I should probably acknowledge it, but I get so obsessed with beating it. I took a day off this week, but made it up later, but then I felt twice as bad and ended up having a full-blown panic attack yesterday. My partner tried to convince me to stay home this week, but I was convinced I should go to work because I’ve been flaky. I went to work later on Thursday because I got a bus with my partner’s sister. I had an opportunity to recite some of my poetry at an event that evening, and I wanted to attend an open evening so I spent an extra hour trying to calm myself that morning.
I was not thinking straight; I had a headache and felt unwell that day. The day passed quick enough; I remembered I had another upcoming meeting the next day and didn’t bother reading the agenda because I didn’t think I’d be on it. I worked a bit later so I could go straight to the event where I’d be reading poetry.
m e l t d o w n
And I freaked out. Like proper OMG these people will hear my words and my voice at the same time. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! So, I skipped the event and walked to the open evening, but I was too panicky so I got on the bus.
THEN less than five minutes later someone vomitted on the bus. I didn’t see it but I sure could smell it. And, when you feel sick being around someone else’s vomit is not good. I moved to the front of the bus because the draught from the front door was fresher. I asked my partner to meet me at my stop and he helped me home.
Yesterday I was thinking about sending my apologies to the meeting. Then my partner suggested I check the agenda. Sure enough, I was there on the agenda.
m e l t d o w n
I sent my apologies then I spent the rest of the week feeling like a failure and feeling ashamed. Breaking out in hives. Cancelling job interviews and pulling out my hair.
