This summer I read a few blogs about the end of blogging. I particularly remember Gala Darling‘s post and have forgotten the rest. I don’t think I’ll give up blogging any time soon, but I’ve definitely seen a decline in my usage. And I had been considering a relaunch next year. It feels like a good time to do it.

I mentioned last month that there were health scares. And, you know, it just really puts things into perspective. It feels too odd to write about other things when you’re thinking about mortality. Normally this time of year I’m getting swept away with the romance of the season; but nope. I’m not feeling anything other than fatigue.

I decided to register with a new GP and it has made a difference. I feel like I’m actually being listened to. My previous GP surgery was a disappointment; I hadn’t seen a GP in a year because you can only see one of the triage nurse refers you. And the triage nurse diagnosed me with a cold and sent me home – I was visiting about my exhaustion. I didn’t get chance to talk about it because I was out in two minutes. My walk home felt humiliating and I cried thinking about how I was too anxious and disheartened to challenge the diagnosis. Yes, I had a cold but that’s not what I went in for. The unspoken words felt heavy.

I know everyone criticises using search engines to self-diagnose or look for health advice. But that’s what I did, and although my new GP is OK my experience with my last one has knocked my trust in others. Being diagnosed with a cold is no big deal but years of not feeling listened to sucks. Especially with my history.

I am trying to change the way I live; I am trying to find self-help and ideas that make me feel stronger. I am by no means an expert, and I wouldn’t recommend this course of action to anybody, but I need someone to listen to me (and that might as well be me). During Christmas I have allowed myself a full two week break; I’m going to spend it with my partner and riding my bicycle.

I am using Headspace daily and the sleepcasts are brilliant. I’ll probably do a blog post about them at some point. They’ve been a game changer!

In other news, which is something I’ll touch on later , I may be in a position to buy a house next year. It’s a move that I have found confusing. I never expected to be in this place. I thought my first property would be a retirement flat, or the result of a lottery win. I don’t even feel comfortable talking too much about it because I don’t want to jinx it or get my hopes up. Plus I don’t have a clue how to navigate this area. Mortgages are alien to me. And it’s put my education ambitions on hold.

But, if the move does happen, except lots of interior design malarkey here (my colour palette inspiration is this).

This month I aimed to do a post a day about things I’m thankful for. A few of the bloggers I follow are doing it and I felt like it was a great way to inject some positivity into my mindset.

The end of last month was a bit full-on. I was scared for a while.

This month saw another two family members hospitalised. They are doing better now, but for a few weeks the fear took over.

I am thankful everyone is safe and sound and happy and healthy now.

I have been unwell for the past couple of days. My sister and her family visited me over the weekend, it was glorious.

On Sunday night my partner’s mother was taken to hospital – it was really worrying for a while but she seems to be on the mend. On Monday they moved her to another hospital and ward, she seems to be doing much better now.

Later that day I received a phone call from a family member of mine, I am worried about him and wanted to go to visit him but I’ve been in bed with a bug/infection/virus since. I checked my email that evening and I had been asked in to a work meeting on Tuesday. I had to decline and explain I cannot make it until the end of the week.

Yesterday was spent in bed and I hoped I’d be able to relax. I felt a little emotional and couldn’t rest because I was finding it hard to breath.

Today was the same. But I had an added bonus of a plumber doing work in my flat for ten hours. In fairness, he was very considerate and understanding but it was some upheaval I could do without. He’s coming back tomorrow to finish the work off.

This evening I noticed I won (drew) in the UCA SU election. I can only assume I applied in a rush, or that my brain wasn’t working, or that I was in the beginning stage of burn out but I stood in the wrong year!!! So I had to stand down. I feel embarrassed and I want to cry a little bit. I’m going to post some screenshots because if I wasn’t feeling so ill and silly I’d be proud:

source: ucasu.com/elections

I have been up all morning feeling displaced(?) and wondering WTF!? I felt like I was having an out of body experience.

Twelve hours ago, I was sitting in bed writing an article and listening to a Girl Germs podcast.

This is the life I had envisioned for myself twenty years ago (well, I never knew podcasts would be a thing but I wanted to surround myself with people who inspire me). I am in such an incredibly good place.

Teenage Nina has all the feels right now.