December 11

N-N-N-N-Nineteen

It feels a bit too early to be doing a review of 2019, but as I’ve spent so long this year feeling pretty numb I figured I’d write while I feel motivated.

Health

I’ve put on more weight, but that’s really unsurprising with my agoraphobia. It got so bad at some point that I think it was impacting me two days a week. Also, I’ve felt a general change – it could be perimenopausal. I’ve got a handful of doctors appointments early next year to talk through my symptoms. If I am perimenopausal it is happening earlier than average, and the doctors I have seen have advised that the symptoms could also be a side effect of my depression but they aren’t ruling out early menopause. My allergies have been awful for the past few months – I’ve had hives regularly since October and filiform warts on five separate occasions since then. It has been due to stress an anxiety; my partner’s parents have been hospitalised three times and one of my relatives has been hospitalised once. Each time it has happened the following week I’ve gone into a mental tailspin. I thought I’d get better at managing my mental health as I’ve got older but that hasn’t been the case at all.

Work

This year I made the decision to stop working in Higher Education. I had wanted to work in education for about fifteen years – I started working in Further Education when I moved to Brighton and ending up applying to work in administration in University of Brighton for three years before I finally landed a job in the Alumni office. I loved working in University of Brighton so much and remember the years as a very happy time. I look back and them with so much joy.

I’ve never felt such a sense of belonging before, but there were changes in my personal life so I made the decision to move out of county.

It took half a year to readjust to my move. I was homesick – I still am. I wanted to go back into working in Higher Education but I don’t do well in interviews. I found out about Unitemps via a friend in a political group I was involved with. So I decided to apply to them. I always seem to get jobs easier through temping agencies and then get invited to stay on permanently. And that’s what happened last year. I worked in a nearby university but I struggled to feel like I fit in. My final job in the university was my favourite; I worked with my friend and my supervisor was wonderful! But as I got to the end of my contract I hadn’t heard about a renewal and I wondered if I wanted a new challenge.

I started my career in a not-for-profit and I was thinking about working in a type of outreach role (that way I could still be close to education, yet I’d be supporting diversity in academia – which is something I feel passionately about). A job opportunity came up which fit nicely into that box. I applied and got accepted. It has been challenging in places and I’ve learnt that although lone working appeared to be a blessing, I need people around me to stop me from hiding away.

I made the decision to apply for a second job back in academia. I am interviewing for a role next month.

Study

I completed a Level 2 Counselling course this year, I loved it. I had planned to progress to the next level but when the time came I was starting a new job, and as I know change is a trigger for me, I figured I’d wait until I settled before I continued. Then my college stopped running the course. A few months later I applied to do it in another college; the month I was due to start the college sent me a letter with my enrolment instructions and I saw the fees had increased by 50%. I questioned it and it turns out the amount quoted on the website was wrong. I wanted to do the course, but the price hike, and the reputation of the college made me question if it was the right time. I was indecisive for a fortnight, then I figured that my doubts were enough for me to put the idea on the backburner.

Masters

I had an offer to study at University for the Creative Arts, and it was an offer I was very excited about. So excited that I stood for election. The course is brilliant and I’ll probably do it in a few years, but my time during freshers week made me realise two things; one was that I was looking to relive my teenage years when I wanted to go to an art school but didn’t and the other was that I was trying to fill a Brighton-shaped hole. I am going to apply to Brighton to do the remaining modules of Inclusive Arts Practice on a part-time basis.

Creative

I have been making zines. And had a piece on why I like making zines published in a magazine. I had two essays published in anthologies. I won a poetry competition. I was rejected from every journal I applied to.

Home

I moved into my current flat a year ago. I am very happy here. Next year I may be moving again; but this time to a house with a mortgage. The prospect is equally terrifying and exciting.

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December 9

Walking and learning

This month feels too long. Not because I’m looking forward to Christmas or my birthday, or anything else associated with this season, but because January always feels so boring – and I dread it way before it starts. I was speaking to a friend recently about how I look forward to holidays; planning, travelling and organising but when I get there I start thinking about how it’s only a matter of time before it ends.

I’ve started listening ro education-related podcasts again, particularly around the subject of support during transitions and inclusive curricula. They are reminding me of Brighton.

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December 5

Happy Name Day

Tomorrow is my name day. I’ve been thinking about my plans for next year, and I’ve been feeling happier with my writing again. It was great seeing my writing in Mslexia this week.

I received a letter from a local college inviting me to enrol on a Level 2 counselling course; it must be some sort of glitch as I applied to Level 3. So, it looks like I have another nine months until I continue my counselling training – if I choose to. I have been feeling bad about my taking a year out from study but between work busy times, fees increases and the college I wanted to attend going into administration it has never felt like the right moment to continue.

I’ve begun journalling my regularly. I even signed up to a journal journey course I saw advertised in a local wellbeing centre.

A lot of my words in my journal flutter around academia; universities and research coming up more often than I expected. This is something I am going to reflect on.

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