April 3

I love whispers

It is my day off
The day I assign to writing
The blank pages sadden me
I splatter my words across the space
Some will be OK
I’m ashamed and embarrassed about them
Writing used to be a joy
But I submit some half-baked essay to a magazine
Because the alternative is not to get paid

I’m good at selling rubbish.

So I switch on a massage video

All whispers and brushing and scratching

My head tingles
My eyes roll back
And I sleep

April 2

Questions

I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know
Why I am so driven
To make a difference
Yet so insecure
Afraid to speak out loud
Opinions clattering like a slot machine
In my mind
But the face just beams kindly

I passed my last assessment
I am going up a level
Another success under my belt
I felt nothing

I question why I continue
What I hope to achieve

Hoping the next promotion or publication or award
Will mean something
I will be enough

I will leap out of bed in the morning and feel ready for the day

April 1

April Fool

My guide to writing is
Tap absently
It’s like a ouija
The words come
Look at them
And wonder what you are doing with your life
A pattern will emerge
But not one you particularly want to see
Or expect
Think about how you are going to monetise this spew
So you can leave data hell
Laugh about it
Click publish
And hope the next day brings clarity

February 24

Le Châtelard

I’m spending the last evening of my holiday listening to THEESatisfaction and reading Basic Counselling Skills. Yesterday I went for a wander and ended up going into the local record store. As I walked towards the back of the store I smelt soap. Sure enough they were selling Le Chatelard 1802 soaps, which reminded me of my last months as a resident in Brighton (particularly the long walks I took to clear my head). I was reminded of the day I bought some Le Chatelard 1802 lavender pouches because that day I walked to the marina and looked out over the seafront, which I often did, and felt such love for the city that shaped me.

I can shut my eyes and remember the view, and the overwhelming emotions that moved through me at that time.

I have been reflecting a lot on my career path, because my holiday has made me aware how much being in a university (working and studying) is a big part of my identity. But also because I want a break from data and commuting. I like being in academia, but I wonder if I need more quiet around me. I used to think the idea of being self-employed was a little petite bourgeoisie yet as years/decades pass I realise I want this type of control. I want to be creative. I want a pet I can take to work (or have a home office where my pet hangs out with me). I like the community feeling of my workplace, and I don’t want to be without it.

I like the course I am doing now – counselling feels very natural. And something I would like to incorporate into my worklife. I’ll stick with it and see where this goes…

February 22

Holiyay

I am loving my holiday so much I never want it to end!

Folkestone is an Art School

Folkestone is an Art School

I have spent the week riding my bicycle, painting, writing (a little bit) and seeing different parts of Kent. Earlier this afternoon I took part in a Twitterchat about the digital future of coaching. I’m excited about returning to college on Monday.