I made a couple of cards lately. I remembered a friends’ birthday next month and wanted to send one off. It’s weird thinking about how, when I was younger, a handmade card was something you did when you were too poor or couldn’t be bothered to buy a card. I remember making one for a relative when I was eleven and their face dropping as they asked aren’t you going to get me a special one? I was miffed. It still shocks me sometimes that the attitude towards handmade has changed so much.
Anyway, I’m happy with how this came together. It’s not the prettiest but it’s the collage style I like. A little bit random and a lot colourful.
It’s another name day today. I bought myself a deck from blackandthemoon.com, ordered a fit e, hugged my partner, made a chocolate matcha latte and the suddenly paused…
… I didn’t think I wanted to sum up the decade. But clearly my mind was thinking about the changes. There are some I still won’t go into, and some I feel like I’ve said a million times before. I’ll say them again though.
Moving to Brighton changed my life; personally, academically, politically, emotionally, mentally. I became a person I liked. At the start of the decade I was listening to and reading Gala Darling and trying to manifest goodness into my life. Clearly I was doing it. However, it took me a long time to realise I was doing it. My progress was at a snail’s pace. And I often stopped to cry for long periods of time. Because I still felt like I wasn’t quite the person I am supposed to be. I was really unhappy.
I had a lot of good people in my life. I started the decade in a very dark place, and friends got me through it. Really. They opened up their hearts and homes to me. And I wish I could’ve done more to pay them back – although they would refuse it. The security and care they gave me created a base to work on myself.
I was an angry person. I probably still am in a way. And I might be angry for a while yet. I had decades of anger hidden away, and here are some of the reasons why. I was told by a medical professional this week that I am lucky. In this age of dialogue and knowledge, we are still ignoring voices:
So obviously, I was living in duel worlds. I couldn’t reconcile the child I was and the person I am. Plus, I had this idea about the person I wanted to be, or rather the person who had the lifestyle I coveted. There was a lot to unpack.
Well, unpack I did. And I still do. I see a counsellor infrequently and finally decided to be committed to a long period of medication. I found my feet working in the alumni team and studying an art masters (which I touched on in my yearly roundup). But, you know, stuff happens and I moved to Kent.
Moving to Kent brought a lot of challenges. I felt like I had lost the Brighton identity I so dearly loved
Even though Folkestone is pretty awesome, I felt incredibly homesick. I stopped leaving the flat, I gave up socialising, I started dressing in darker plain colours all the time and I wanted to blend into the background everywhere I went. I wasn’t sure if this was depression or I was becoming the real me (a minimalist with a simple life).
I don’t have the bright bunny hair or holographic eyelids but my life feels like an adventure.
