Applying for a Masters
Dancing with disaster
Why do I do it?
The need for validation
Literally

I am unwilling to call myself a writer
But I write
For me, for others, for money, for fun
A blog does not
Seem like proper writing

But what is?
Typed prose
Handwritten love letters
Diaries by people cleverer than me
An academic journal that will offer new ideas

I blog about my hopes and fears
Sometimes lingerie and tea
Often insignificant lists of hyperlinks
Just to remind you I am
Right here, write hear

Waking up exhausted
Panicked
The echinoderm globule floating before my eyes
Adjusting to the brightness
The fright
The fight
Not wanting to go to work
Feeling shame because it’s work
Work
No big deal

Like truancy at school
I should be there, I want to be there, I need to be there
But I can’t move
I’m afraid to leave my room
Raspy breaths escape my chest
The walls and doors slap me on my way to the bathroom
The boiler in the hallway throbs angrily
I shuffle past it, keeping eye contact
Patting my breastbone like I’m burping a baby
I know I have to make the call
I can’t come in, I’m ill
I am

I never valued my life until now
Three and a half decades of autumn
Withering
Waiting for the freeze
Not wanting to leave, but accepting it would happen
Soft crunches and mist
I found the solitude peaceful
I loved fall
I still do
But now it feels too cool
Stinging my face
I turn the other way
Hoping to catch a glimpse of spring
Sprouting and hatching
Eager for new life
Knowing it will get here in it’s own sweet time

This weekend I named the creature that goes to bed with me every night
This weekend I was ill
This weekend I hurt myself
This weekend I forgave myself
This weekend I found a network of likeminded folk
This weekend I noticed behavioural patterns
This weekend I couldn't explain away my feelings using my sociological beliefs
This weekend I was
This weekend I accepted nobody was at fault
This weekend I let love in
This weekend I made plans for May
This weekend I watched videos of my nephew and felt unending joy
This weekend I discovered a charity that offers counselling to people who have experienced my trauma
This weekend I admitted defeat
This weekend I armed myself for the next battle
This weekend I looked at flats to buy
This weekend I got published again
This weekend I hugged someone
This weekend I joked with my friends for the first time in months
This weekend I read everything I could find on adoptee experiences
This weekend I decided not to feel guilty about being overwhelmed
This weekend I changed the bedding and went promptly back to sleep
This weekend I ate the most delicious Easter Egg
This weekend I lounged around
This weekend I failed
This weekend I redefined failure
This weekend I recognised a panic attack before it happened
This weekend I visited the supermarket and was OK with the sensory overload
This weekend I didn't try to make myself smaller as not to inconvenience others
This weekend I sent some books to an ex-partner
This weekend I missed people I am geographically separated from
This weekend I listened to the Clash
This weekend I shared my thoughts with you
This weekend I thanked this weekend