The main article of Nookie magazine will consist of submissions by our readers, telling us all of their embarrassing and cringey stories about their experience with tinder, first dates, and awkward sex. The main reason we are doing this is because this will be an article that our demographic will most likely relate to or find humourous. To gather these submissions we created an online submissions point and promoted it on our personal social media accounts. The responses from this were as follows.

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“So I meet a boy off Tinder in Wetherspoons. I was too nervous to go alone so my two close friends came and hid upstairs incognito just in case i need to dash off if it was shit. He buys me multiple gin and lemonades and when I’m pissed I invite him back to mine whilst ‘bumping’ into my friends on the way out. We all carry on drinking at my place and I’m beginning to despise this boy. I want to punch him so hard in the face yet I invite him to stay over in my room, only for him to dick slap me in the face when we’re in bed. And then to top it off the bastard came somewhere he shouldn’t so I shouted at him and kicked him out of my flat. No more Tinder dates since. – KATE”

“Met an older boy on Tinder, thinking I was really cool. It then emerged that he was a Christian Grey wannabe. He tied me up with my school tie, bit me and mouth-fucked me as my sister returned home from school. After this he had dinner with my family who were all under the impression he was 19. It soon ended. I then found out he voted to leave the EU. – HOLLY WARDELL”

“A guy cried when I didn’t orgasm because it ruined his 100% finishing streak from a grand total of one girl.”

“I met a guy in a bar in my first year of uni and brought him back to my flat, and after drunkenly fumbling with me for 10 minutes to no avail and repeatedly trying to stick it in my arse I asked him to leave – which he wouldn’t – so I got my five male flatmates to bundle him out, with his clothes in his hands.”

“Okay so picture this, it’s freshers week. it was 5am, I still couldn’t sleep. I had been talking to a guy on Grindr. He was a third year, studying Culture and Literature. Cute. So I went round to his being fully aware for the booty call I was and hoping for the sex of my life. We start spooning, he grabs my dick and before you know it he’s slipped it in. However, that was it. He just laid there, didn’t move, didn’t moan. Just laid there. After a couple of minutes he repeatedly said “are you going to cum soon” in a trying-to-be-seductive voice. I simply said “no because you’re not turning me on” and we literally stopped and then I fell asleep in his bed, and woke up wanting to die. The next night he goes out and gets drunk. I wake up to a voicemail from him begging to meet me again, telling me he wanted me again, which I ignored because this was all getting very weird. on the first day of lectures, I was waiting outside and there he is walking out of a lecture. I die inside. He asks why I never responded to which my response was “I have to go in for my lecture now, see you later” and I’ve not replied to a single message since. – TYLER MARSHALL”

“So I move to uni and it turns out my flat mate is another gay I’ve known for over a year. We had had sex previously before becoming flat mates. during freshers alas the inevitable happened. However, since then I’ve had to move flats because he went psycho on me. Every time he was drunk he would bang at my door and leave me thousands of drunk texts saying he loved me. We haven’t spoken since and I always see him around campus, wanting to cry myself into a grave for being such a slag that gets myself into said situations. I’m never sleeping with another gay again. – TYLER MARSHALL”

“I went into London to meet a guy and we had planned to go to The Natural History Museum for a first date because well, who doesn’t find bones romantic? In the evening we went to the cinema. If you know me, you know I’m very…easy. So we start making out and there is an old lady literally sat next to him. I end up jerking him off right there in the cinema. He moans extremely loudly in a very quiet and busy cinema and we get kicked out due to a complaint and despite being embarrassed I am also highly amused. However, little did we know his SISTER was also at the same viewing. She found out who I was, told her parents and then I never got to see him again. It’s sad because he was hot and we got along but my promiscuous behaviour in public settings just ruins everything. I cannot help myself. I hope and pray I never accidentally bump into his sister ever again.”

“Was supposed to be going on a drinking date which soon changed to him just inviting me round to his to fool around. It became pretty evident that he had no idea what he was doing when he couldn’t even get my bra off. He even “booped” my boob and proceeded to giggle for 10 minutes. Then came in under 2 minutes which I only know because he said “oh..it’s been a while” then proceeded to pull his boxers on.”

“Was losing my virginity to a guy I met from tinder and the painter for my house walked in. He lingered.”

“One time I was having sex with my boyfriend. His name began with P but so does my best friend’s and I was thinking about her because she’d been having a bad time so I said her name during sex and I don’t know if he ever realised.”

“I met up with a guy I’d been speaking to on Tinder who literally found everything HE said to be the funniest thing in the world. I couldn’t get a word in edgeways either. When it eventually came to say goodbye (after about 2 hours of him just talking at me) I gave him a tentative hug goodbye and he went into kiss me. I of course recoiled and he said “Haha got you! I’d never kiss you anyway hahaha” and proceeded to wink at me and walk away. I love the internet. – HOLLY A”

“I met a guy online and we’d spoken for a really long time before he ended up by chance coming to my hometown. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him. We went to have a shower afterwards, when he proceeds to break down crying on me begging me not to leave him, literally naked in the shower. I didn’t know what to do so I just sort of patted him on the back while he cried. – H. A.”

“so I went back to a guy’s house to watch movies (my naive self didn’t realise that this was a netflix and chill arrangement). I was fully engrossed in watching “bad neighbours” when suddenly we are clothes-less. This is when his mum walked into his room, said hi to me and asked if we would like a sandwich. It’s fair to say that it was the most traumatic experience that I have ever had. To make the whole thing worse, I didn’t even get to watch the end of the bloody movie. – KATE”

“On a tinder date the guy posted in his group chat the whole time, showed me the replies, told me that girls usually don’t like him and gave me multiple examples of the times he’s been rejected. as I was getting on the train home he said ‘oh by the way I’m moving to Iran in four days’ FAB.”

“I was chatting to one guy on tinder and he seemed pretty normal. Met him at the local station – he had Cuban heels on and was the same height as me. I’m 5ft1. Nothing wrong with short guys but he’d said he was 6ft2 so this was already shocking. We then went on to a local pub and it just got worse. I got really drunk and said my mum had made me chicken and I had to leave. He messaged me the next day and said he liked my kinky bitch side (???) Never saw him again.”

“I once had sex with a guy I’d met and when I tried to put my top back on in the dark I realised I had pulled his boxers over my head.”

“After a couple of great dates with a guy it was finally time to sleep together and I had high hopes. We got down to it and in all the commotion his penis slipped out of me, so I popped it back in again and carried on. Then it happened again and so I did the same. This same scenario played out another 8 or 9 times and I’d got quite fed up by this point and thought I’d let him sort it out. I waited for him to realise that he was just shagging my leg but he never did – he just carried on until he finished himself off. Needless to say that was the last date we had.”

“He started explaining a topic that I study at degree level to me and when I jokingly told him that he was mansplaining he then explained how he wasn’t mansplaining.”

“I once met a guy off Grindr for what you would normally meet a guy off of Grindr for and ended up tied up fully naked in what I later found out was his little brother’s bed. I found out because while he was gone his parents came in carrying his little brother who had fallen asleep in the car on their way home. The guy’s dad dropped his little brother and I have never wanted to die more in my entire life.”

“We thought that his parents had gone out so I took that as a chance to be as loud as I wanted. Anyway afterwards I come out of the bedroom to go to the bathroom and his parents are in the room next door to us. It was so so bad I wanted to cry. At dinner that night I couldn’t look either of them in the eye. We’re not together anymore but even remembering this horrible story makes me cringe so much.”

“On a first date the guy ran over a squirrel on our way home.”

“I was on a date in a restaurant in Shoreditch. I was pouring myself another glass of wine, when I felt the strap of my top ping off, and out came my boob. I saw the guy on the next table’s eyes light up and the girl he was with slapped his hand. I got up to go find a waiter to see if there was anything they could do. Luckily the lady had a safety pin and pinned the strap down to my top. I came and sat back down so embarrassed in front of my date but he just laughed.”

“So I get chatting to this guy: super hot, loads in common with me. We agree to go on a date and he’s waiting in the pub for me and I realise “what the fuck am I doing? I’m not even attracted to men!” and I totally bail and just leave him there, sending me confused texts. RIP men. – SOPHIE AINE”

“Basically, above my bed is a wardrobe which is built into the wall and the doors are made out of really heavy thick wood. So we were in bed and one of the doors fell off and smashed her on the head. There was then possibly the most awkward moment of my life where she had been knocked out by this door and my penis was still inside her and I just felt like I’d killed the girl. Luckily, she was alright and the door was fixed and never fell again. Unfortunately the relationship didn’t work out but I don’t think it was because of the door.”

“I met a girl off the internet, who waited until I was on the train going to meet her before telling me that her parents were with her. I was going to walk away but thought I’d give her a chance. Upon meeting her (and her parents) at Waterloo, the first thing they did was take a photo of me, just in case I was a weirdo and kidnapped their daughter. – SARAH”