4.48 Psychosis

for Sarah Kane (1971–1999)

have you heard

of that magic trick

called sertraline

 

something blacker than desire

that’ll give you sleepless nights

without sex?

 

to have visions of God

dancing on a blanket of roaches?

 

at 4.48

my daily visit of sanity

my single burst of light

 

to the one who’d said

don’t dwell on the past

oh shut up!

what do you know about

the near-life experience?

 

to be committed to hell

 

what have you learnt from

the singings on the boundary?

 

have you picked

the poppies growing

from your mature bones?

 

have you felt

everything passed

perished

palled

 

why bother?

you’ve never met me

I don’t blame you

I still haven’t

 

if I run out of tears

and I can no longer shed any pills

psychosis will bang on my door

I feel it coming

 

at 4.48

my neck will hold the rope

while my sleeping lover

marries the bed

till death do us part

 

Calm Curd

under the frozen polar sky

the silver sugar’s sprinkled

over the top of the blue mountain

the heavenly blue

this is how I’d like feel

 

how can I use this tinderbox

so the sky would cease

to be a starless ceiling?

 

Hermaphrodite

Once again I cross

the orchards of desire

to crunch some Adam’s apples

 

This time

peel off these moldy peachy arms

instead of making me paint

all the white roses in red

 

Take me away spring liquor

burrow me under raspberry palates

 

Make me dream of someone

growing out of the soil

 

He would morph into

the she I was not

the sweetness

I needed as a pit of cyanide

 

The spaghetti straps of his dress

slide down his shoulders

as he leaves lipstick on my forehead

 

His skin will be wilted

by the shibari ropes bites

 

He’ll believe I’m a feminine boy

carrying balloons of milk

I’ll have to remind him I’m not a cow

 

Soon he’ll leave

Tying his legs

won’t be enough

 

And as I watch him flee

hate will seep in my aorta

Why is he not the one

I want him to be?

 

Nobody is able to

plant seeds for that

 

Please blur everything

 

Unfinished Ritual

Your name came

 

when the spider web sliced

the dew into thousands of faces

 

Your name came

 

when I stumbled upon

a Japanese grocery store

 

Your name came

while cherry blossoms

swirled around my cheeks

 

Your name came

but I don’t call it

since you barely look at me

 

Yet I have nothing to hide

I’m only erupting inside

 

I take baths in a volcano

when our eyes glue only a second

as if I’ve just gouged yours out

 

Why don’t I say anything

Why is the distance so atomic

 

Because I’m already familiar

with the warm touch

of the delusion of suffering

 

Because the hubbub

of the people around us

radiates like an apocalypse

 

Because I’m sixteen again

and you can’t read

the despair in my cubist eyes

 

Make of it what you will

 

Mirages

No sounds

No futures nor horizons

Only the desert road

You’ve traced yourself

 

No one is safe

Below those copper clouds

Let’s face it

 

This body as I get older

Aligns with surviving

 

You can take mine

And quarter it

Before throwing

The remains to the trash

 

Once you believe

You’ve got rid of me

I’ll be standing right next to you

 

I’ll start this day

As if it is the first

 

So be it!

Unhook these sepia pictures from the walls

All those forked-tongued friends and loving liars

We’ll never grow old together

 

There’s nothing left to remember

Bend your head towards the shade

The sun always shines somewhere else