Meltdown

Well, if you follow my blog you’d have probably seen this coming. The large amount of change in a short period of time was too much to deal with. So now it’s the evening before I officially start a new role in my office and I feel only dread. I feel done with Brighton.

Whenever I vocalise these sentiments, people remind me that I love Brighton. It’s true. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m getting nowhere. I can’t find the energy to be excited about any of the new roles I’ve taken on recently.

On top of that, I’m putting together a project plan (not related to Brighton, for once) and, although I am full of ideas, I am seriously afraid of hanging too many hopes on it. If the project does not take off, I’ll feel devastated.

Time is ticking away and there are a dozen things I need to do before Friday. I haven’t touched any of them. They are all lingering behind this project.

I think I just need a holiday.

Prepare

My lovely beautiful nephew is out of hospital. I was so excited about him being three weeks old I sent him an outfit. My sister loves it and is looking forward to dressing him up in it.

I hope I’ll get to see him soon but I have to be realistic about my money situation and my schedule.

Yesterday was an over-emotional day. Firstly, I had to tell my office in Brighton Museums that I wanted to leave my volunteer role. From July I will be volunteering with another team in the same department. So, it wasn’t really a goodbye but I felt close to tears never-the-less. My heart felt like it was breaking when I told my colleague that next week will be my last week. She was very positive and happy that I’m moving into a new role, which made it harder for me because I will feel lost without her weekly enthusiasm and support.

Then I went out with some of the UNISON branch for Carole’s leaving party. I had to join the party late because I only had £7 to spend on drinks and it’s easier to hide the fact I’m not drinking if I turn up late. Carole has been a lovely branch secretary, and although I am sure that Ivan will be just as wonderful, I feel lost without her. I’m a bit sketchy and not the best communicator, but she has always made me feel appreciated. And yesterday she told me how great she thought I was at what I do.

I was having a bad mental health week, so those few kind words from Carole and my museum colleagues turned me into a quivering mess.

Update

The past two weeks have been very eventful. I just had to double-check that on my calendar because I cannot believe all that has happened in two weeks. I’m glad I waited until now to blog because I could’ve been quite negative if I had posted over the bank holiday weekend. I had a rough time and I became one sour piñata. But as the days have passed the news has become brighter. So here you go:

Nephew

My nephew was born on 3 May. He came five weeks early. Without getting oversentimental, he is lovely and I could spend hours staring at him. As someone who had a shaky start in life I’ve never cared much for other humans, but my nephew came along and now I do. I could write for hours about him but it’s the internet here and privacy for tiny people is important to me.

Work

I technically started my new role at work on Friday (I am covering for a colleague). It came at a good time because I’d been losing focus with my daily data entry tasks and just felt restless for a month now. My life does seem to go from one extreme to the other; three months ago I was a stressed burnt-out student and last week I was bored numb.

Money

I thought I was staying afloat but a few days ago I remembered I had booked a long weekend away. Then I noticed I forgot to book the train tickets! Uh oh. So I’ll have £100ish to last me until payday. Luckily I put my unclaimed holiday onto last month’s timesheet so I’ll be getting a big chunk.

Chromebook

I bought a Chromebook this month. This is very exciting for me because it means I can use/make/test apps. Of course, when it arrived I was distracted with other things so I didn’t set it up for a week, and I’ve only used it once. But, the point is, I will use it… soon. I haven’t been able to use my laptop at home because it’s slow and faulty, plus I don’t have a desk so I have to sit in various uncomfortable places to use it. I couldn’t afford a new laptop and I had wanted a tablet for a while. This seemed like a good compromise.

Gender

I am now the contact for the Gender Equality Network Group. In fact, I might even be the Rep (I’m a habitual volunteerer, and I can no longer remember what I said yes to). I’m nervous but really excited because I had been wanting to get involved with this group for a while, but I couldn’t commit to the times because I was studying. Currently I’m working with Marcie Boyer to get the SharePoint set up and I’ll be contacting the members next week to get the meetings up-and-running. I’m really looking forward to it.

Lately

graphIt’s easier to post a picture than try to explain the past couple of weeks. Things really hadn’t been going my way and money has been a worry. And a few different events knocked my confidence.

Then this week my department director asked me if I wanted to increase my hours at work and go on to a fixed-term contract. There is also a slight change of job role.

I start my new role mid-May so this week I calculated my unclaimed holiday. I’m going to be getting a big chunk of cash! I’m so relieved.

I also found out (exactly) a week ago that I had been shortlisted to be interviewed for the museum mentors assistant role at Brighton Museums.

 

Bright

I keep planning to take better care of myself. It really hasn’t happened this weekend. Self-care often goes to the bottom of my to-do list. I planned to do research and work yesterday, then spend this morning going for a long walk. I need to focus on minimising distractions. I’m failing at that.

I am also expecting some disappointing news this week so I need to up my resilience sharpish!

On the bright side, my #4brightideas is in!

I went out for a walk this evening. I ended up near Moulsecoomb so I decided to visit Aldrich library (and write this).

I’ve been reading Inclusive Arts Practice and Research today. The more I read it the more I hope to do MAIAP at some point in the future.

Since leaving PPA I have been trying to figure out if there’s a way to incorporate everything I enjoy into one project. Hopefully, a project that doesn’t require public speaking. I keep seeing overlapping areas but I’m reluctant to make any decisions because I don’t feel ready yet.

I’m just trying to assemble my thoughts here. It’s not going well so I’m going to head on home.

Expression

I had a job interview yesterday. My first job interview for over two years (excluding the times I had to apply for jobs internally). I think it’s a testament to my current mindset that I felt able to ask for time to think about answers and I was able to talk about mental health. I do wonder if I’ve become an oversharer. I feel like the answers I gave to the questions were not suitable for a candidate to say, but they felt right for me to say.

I realise I cannot change myself for a job, rather I need to be myself and find a job that fits me.

I also threw out all the advice you hear from people about ensuring you don’t fidget (I’m nervous – I can’t help it!) and clichés like don’t sell yourself short (I have weaknesses; I feel like a liar if I pretend I don’t).

After my interview I rushed to the theatre where I spoke to families about Anglo Saxon and Roman artifacts in the foyer prior to Horrible Histories. I even handled the Anglo Saxon skull!

The excitement of the day knocked me out for five solid hours, but then I woke up early this morning and couldn’t stop reliving yesterday in my head. I worried that I hadn’t explained myself well. Words kept flowing through my mind faster than I can speak. And they haven’t stopped all day.