I’m fed up with February. This month started with me being excited about my new module. I loved seeing my Inclusive Arts classmates and classrooms again. And I felt pleased as punch when I saw that I’ll be using blogs as my portfolio! I’ve been using blogs for years and feel comfortable/confident.

Life at home has it’s ups and downs. But recently I’ve been feeling uneasy and pretty uninspired. My partner and I were unwell at the start of the month. Then there was a gruesome murder in the neighbourhood mid-February, which made the area feel even less safe. It also doesn’t help that another neighbour’s flat is being renovated. I’m not sleeping well at night so my day naps were postponed for a week.

I feel ready to retire to duvet days again, but nowadays I got stuff to do! Despite the rocky time I’ve achieved some great things.

For a start I’ve reactived my app and I’ll be submitting it as part of my portfolio. I built it in PowerApps years ago and it felt fun fine-tuning it. It’s an eyesore currently but it works. I’ve had some good feedback on my reflections and work from my college lecturers (both of ’em). This was a relief, I thought I was going to have to drop one of my courses because I feel overstretched. I won a book voucher.

Sometimes I stumble upon posts in the Augustine House Library blog that cheer me up. Today was one of those days. I miss being in the library, but… I’ll get back there one day.

It has been a year since I started thinking about looking ahead. I start the module next month, so I’ve been busying myself with personal development week. I had my first anxiety attack in months yesterday… at least, I think it was months. Being on compassionate leave put my brain in a fog. I was scheduled to go to an amazing looking job interview associated with UniConnect and I flaked out.

I’ve had a few bad days over this month, but I figured they’d pass. As I returned to work I was having more conversations with people, and – as a result – more opportunities to miscommunicate. Slowly, but surely, doubt in my abilities started creeping into my head. At first it was disappointment in my data processing speed, but then as I took on more tasks it seeped into other areas. I started dreading talking to other people because I could only think about the incorrect things I might say.

Eventually I made a mistake at work and felt like the world ended. I did not know how to bounce back. I misunderstood an instruction I was given, and I felt like I had personally slighted my colleagues who depend on me. I couldn’t make eye contact in virtual meetings!

Then the ridiculousness of the situation started cracking me up. I was berating myself for a slow data processing speed, and it ended in my doubting my abilities to do project work despite the fact people were actively seeking me out for more work because they liked what I was doing so far.

I become fixated on the mistake I made, and I thought everyone else was too.

But today I looked at my upcoming module handbook and thought I got this!

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I’m in the latest issue of Edge Zine.