I woke up this morning – the first day of my annual leave – with a sore throat and headache. I’m still feeling miserable from the EU referendum results. On top of that someone reminded me that it’s six months to Christmas. Whenever I’m feeling run down I like to fill my head with wanderlust, so I headed over to the GoEuro twitter and saw they are running a travel inspiration competition.
I first became interested in Glasgow a few years ago when I stumbled upon Some Recent Attacks by James Kelman in a local secondhand bookshop. I read about Glasgow being the European Capital of Culture in 1990 and it’s growth since. Handily the book fitted in quite nicely with a college project I was doing at the time so I was pretty thankful that I found it.
My dream trip (food and art tour)
I’ll start of by saying I’m a huge fan of comfort so I’d love to stay in CitizenM. Normally I’d stay in a budget hotel but as I’m describing my dream trip, I’m going to splash out!
One of my favorite past-times is going to gardens and having cream tea (you can take the girl out of the Westcountry but not the Westcountry out of the girl!) I do love a good garden and Glasgow Botanic Gardens looks gorgeous.
Glasgow has a bunch of vegetarian-friendly food places and my mouth waters just thinking about them. I will definitely have to visit the 78 and Mono. The Mono menu looks amazing (I love Seitan).
I spent today trying to get my references sorted and get some clarification on a handful of other questions I had. I’m not ashamed to admit I feel frightened about reapplying. I withdrew from my undergraduate course this year because I realised it was not everything I hoped it would be – that was my mistake.
However, I have spent months researching this course and qualification. I’ve bombarded the department and student services with emails so I can reassure myself I will get the support I need. I’ve reviewed my schedule on a weekly basis to identify areas where I stretch myself too thin and tried to arrange a well-balanced routine.
Last year I was ill-prepared for study. This time around I’ve tried my best to make sure I’m as secure as I can be. So, if I withdraw or fail it won’t be my mistake – it will be me.
Anyway, it’s raining and thundering and lightning so I’m going to gaze out of the window while I think some more.
Next week I am on holiday. I checked my calendar and this will be the first time I’ve taken a week off this year (though it is possible my calendar may be wrong). Oh gosh I need this holiday so badly. I’ll be staying at home because I currently can’t afford to go away. This is probably a blessing because travelling to visit relatives takes up a lot of time and is stressful – I often feel like I need a holiday when I come back.
I’m looking forward to having a lie-in every day.
The past few weeks have dragged. My nighttime panic attacks are becoming more regular and more violent. I’m not sure whether they are a response to a handful of severe triggers I’ve experienced lately or if my lack of sleep is making me more susceptible to triggers. Either way, I’ve noticed the warning signs and I’m distancing myself from harmful situations.
My ex-classmates have finished year one of their degree now and many of them are back home. It’s funny that I feel a pang of pain when I think about my withdrawal, not so much because I’ve left the course but because I am no longer taking the journey with them. They have found the course stimulating and, ultimately, rewarding. I never felt that way so I know I have no reason feel like I’m missing out, but I do. I can’t figure out why I do.
I took a break from museum volunteering but I’m back doing my mentor training now. It’s wonderful being back in the museum. I walked in last week and my heart swelled when I saw my colleagues. I felt welcome, safe and appreciated. I can’t wait to get started on upcoming projects!
This week is UNISON National Delegate Conference and I’m popping in and out as a guest throughout the week. The last time I attended I was as a delegate in 2013. It’s great to see some of my favourite people from all over the country. I also visited the TUC office for the first time last week. It was really exciting, for me, to see it and be there.
I’ve contacted Free University Brighton and asked to be put on the mailing list for their gender and feminism module. I think, out of everything I’m interested in, gender is the thing I enjoy (and feel confident) talking about the most. I’m excited to find out more about it.
The new role is keeping me busy. My main focuses this week are; a London event for alumni, meeting some GENG members to discuss our aims going forward, branch committee and related communications. Naturally, I don’t feel prepared for any of them.
Well, if you follow my blog you’d have probably seen this coming. The large amount of change in a short period of time was too much to deal with. So now it’s the evening before I officially start a new role in my office and I feel only dread. I feel done with Brighton.
Whenever I vocalise these sentiments, people remind me that I love Brighton. It’s true. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m getting nowhere. I can’t find the energy to be excited about any of the new roles I’ve taken on recently.
On top of that, I’m putting together a project plan (not related to Brighton, for once) and, although I am full of ideas, I am seriously afraid of hanging too many hopes on it. If the project does not take off, I’ll feel devastated.
Time is ticking away and there are a dozen things I need to do before Friday. I haven’t touched any of them. They are all lingering behind this project.