First Love

The erotic journal challenge today is all about first love. One of the suggestions is to write a letter to your younger self.

Dear N

Twenty years ago you met someone who is special to you. He always will be. Out of all the people in your life now, he is still around. You keep meaning to visit him more often but you’re too busy with a bunch of other things. Life on the whole is easier, and more fulfilling but the truth is that you still struggle a lot. It’s hard to believe there may be a point in the future where you don’t yearn for his approval, or want his attention. But there will be moments when you think of him and marvel at things you have both gone through. He is a strong tie to your life in the past – which is both a blessing and a curse. You still have to get a bit tipsy around him because he reminds you of the way you were. That hurts you, because you just think of teenage you and want to give her a big hug and tell her she is worthwhile.

He’ll do something that will upset you deeply. But, in your true style, you’ll be an ass about it rather than talk about how you feel. You’ll lose a couple of friends – and probably the two closest friends you’ve had in your life. But you’re not angry at them. You just feel vulnerable that they’ve seen your pain. It’ll take you a long time to realise that opening yourself to love is worth that pain. Right now you’re shielding yourself and it’s helping you cope so I have to give you that. But you have the potential to be so much more.

Eventually you forgive. You realise that you were two young insecure people who may have worked out if the timing was right. But it will never be right because of what you are about to experience. You may allude to moments in the past around him, and you’ll wonder if he thinks of you. Time weighs on your body and spirit, and you come to realise you were too hard on him. He did nothing wrong and the only reason you were hurt by him is because you cared but you didn’t show it. Or maybe you did.

The only time you’ll think of him is to share a nerdy or political joke. Or if something reminds you of him in passing and you feel like catching up. Or if there’s a story of your hometown in the news.

I’ll see you on the other side.


One Response

  1. Sometimes writing to our younger selves is an act in humility. We know ourselves and our faults so much better than others do, even if we don’t want to admit them. You pull no punches there, and it uncovers great insight.

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