Senses

PAD = panic attack den

PAD = panic attack den

I am dedicating the rest of March to the erotic journal challenge. The erotic journal challenge is something I’d seen some bloggers I follow do, the idea stems from brigitdelaney.com. Brigit posts a prompt every week, and first week was sensuality. I’m a bit late to the party but hopefully my enthusiasm will make up for it.

Sensations have always been difficult for me. And my communication skills (or lack of) prevented me getting the help I needed until way into my mid-thirties. The first term I heard (as a young person) was that I am hypersensitive – I didn’t think it was an accurate description because it seemed more about the physical. I was sensitive to colour too – but not just hues and vibrancy. They seemed to push or pull me, I almost linked them with emotions. They confused me. And I still couldn’t explain it. My go to phrase was this is too… much. I don’t know what it was too much of, but it felt overwhelming. I was sensitive to movement – though that seemed to link to my anxiety. I could explain that bit away.

But I never managed to explain the extent and variety of overwhelming feelings. I still can’t.

A couple of years ago hypersensitivity made way for sensory overload. Sensory overload explained my feelings towards the stimuli, but maybe not my perceptions. I don’t like using this phrase, especially as it can also be seen as a diagnosis, but it’s close to my truth.

This week my tutor was describing a classmate and she said you feel too much. And although the phrase can be ambiguous, I like it. It may not convey my message oratorically – but if you break it down, it does. I feel – with emotion and sensation – too much. Here are a few reflections/poetry based on recent experiences:

Vision
Slap-happy cerise
Tumbling into my face
Pinching my cheeks
Aggressive sweetness

Sound
Lost in the supermarket
Syllables come together
Jumbled and jinxed
Dumping me into a caldron
With a splash
Brash
I’m in your way I am sorry
Newsflash! From the Clash!

Taste
The texture is all wrong
I cry and pull my hair
Inconsolable
I don’t care for food fusion
Ablutions
My skin is crawling

Smell
A field
I’m in heaven

Over time I’ve grown to appreciate how I feel. It’s always an adventure. And I’ve learnt to cope with any feelings of overload – sunglasses and white noise! Bliss.

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