In one week I will be on holiday and I need it. I was writing in my counselling reflective journal today and I realised a number of things; I am snapping at people (including people who are kind and patient with me despite dealing with a lot of BS in their life), I am stressed to the point of tears most days, I have negelcted my hobbies this month – I have done no bicycling or writing and no painting.

I am more easily triggered. My mind wanders to painful thoughts. I don’t want to renew my work contract and I regularly feel hopeless when I see the state of the world (in one day I witnessed two separate parents speaking rudely/aggressively to their toddlers, a topless homeless man covered in bruises and a OAP falling over with a bloody head injury). I feel sad when I see people who aren’t getting the support they deserve.

I can’t switch off.

I described my data job to my partner this evening. And then lay in bed unable to relax because I can’t switch my brain off. The data is in a grid in my mind – I am linking it and afraid to let go of it. After half a day the data turns into super bouncy balls pinging around in my peripheral vision. I want to do things but it’s hard to get out of bed…

bedside table

bedside table

When I do get out of bed I manage about three hours of activities before I need a nap.

Oh holiday, hurry up.

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