I think I’ve mentioned being an adoptee two or three times, I’ve only explored this idea in my blog twice (real and whoosh). I’ve been reading blogs by adult adoptees – for a long time I thought our voices were missing from adoption discussions. And sure enough I stumbled upon a support network. What I am finding, and surprised about, is that I have many shared experiences and ideas with other adoptees. So many, that I’m questioning if being adopted impacted me more than I thought.

My adoption rarely enters my mind, but since approaching a crossroads in my life I am determined to address some of the fears that have prevented me from pursuing good opportunities. I want to support care-leavers in a job role I have applied for, but part of this is unearthing feelings from my formative years. Back then I did not have the words to describe my feelings… but now I do.

This week is my final week in Timetabling in Canterbury. Next week I start working in another department. The role is flexible. I’m feeling the need for change.

It has been over a year since I posted a TILT. It’s about time I listed some things that have made me feel good lately…

♥ Paddywax Library (I love the scent combinations)
♥ A lecturer job interview next month (the same one I was invited to last year!)
♥ Acid-wash demin like the 80s never ended (Esmara)
♥ Pumpkin French toast  and Cheezy Pumpkin Macaroni Bake
♥ Sorry To Bother You
♥ B R E W
♥ Neko Atsume
♥ Tokidoki Sakura Unicorno
♥

Sometime within the past month one of my favourite bloggers wrote about being perceived as lazy. And they mentioned anhedonia in the blog post. I read and empathised with the blog post. I wanted to address anhedonia over the past week or so, but I hadn’t realised how much it was impacting me. Until this weekend.

Four things happened that made me realise it was time to seek help.

1. I had panic attacks and heart palpitations for six mornings in a row, five of which scared the hell out of me and I ended up taking time off work.
2. I was send a prompt for a piece of writing to do. It was a subject I have wanted to write about for six months. I felt nothing. I had writers’ block. I couldn’t focus. I ended up writing less than two hundred words and I hated the finished piece.
3. I was sent a lace body from my favourite company. Like a leotard kinda thing. If you know me, you know I love wearing these but I sat emptily looking at the body. The thrill of free clothes was gone.
4. I went into town as I thought it was a good way to tackle my agoraphobia. I spent £8 in a department store and I got some serious bargains; a ban.dō notebook, a pack of three Mara-Mi exercise books, three greeting cards for upcoming events and Penguin socks. I opened the notebook, put on a pair of socks then cried. I don’t know why.

The week was a vicious cycle. I applied to do a Creative Writing MA last week. I realise I haven’t felt the post-application buzz yet. I am also being interviewed by a practice-based researcher for an administrative job next week. But, meh. It all feels like no big deal.

The enthusiasm with which I tackled everything has depleted. And I feel embarrassed and ashamed about this. I feel like I’ve let down everyone including myself.

But I’m blogging and I’m visiting my GP often, which in itself is hard to do. So there’s some good.

I have so much to say, but I’m at a loss for words. I think it’s that floodgate moment when if someone asked if I am OK all the things that are not OK will come out. I want to talk but I also don’t. It’s my last two/three (I’m losing track of time) weeks in my current role. I have a really great team who could probably give me good advice or at least words of comfort right now. However, I sit with my back to the centre of the room unable to get out of my headspace. Sometimes I stop for a few minutes of chatter. When I do I realise how much I am going to miss my team and it feels too sad so I go back into my little bubble.

I don’t want to leave Canterbury but I’m struggling to function. I think I just need some time off to think about how to move forward. What does forward look like?

I’ve been working on vision boards and I’ve discovered the main thing I want is flexibility; the freedom to work from home if my mental health is not good, or to work from other places if an emergency calls me out of the county, or to work at the evening if my bedsit is too cold that getting up is painful and I have to stay with a friend until the worst of the chill is over, or to work afternoons because my first bus has abusive people on it and I’m scared of seeing them and I’ve started walking a mile to avoid them and it’s exhausting, or to work longer weeks when I suddenly have an idea for process improvement that is driving my enthusiasm at top speed and I can not stop.

How can I ask for flexibility doing entry-level administration? My skills are not good enough that I can ask for concessions. But I want to work and I want a level of autonomy.

I need time for a springboard into wellness. But how can I ask for that? I’ve decided going back to temping is a good option, but that comes without security or many development opportunities. I feel constantly on square one – which is where the problem lies. If I step off it, it’s my only way back in. I’m tired.

Today I put on a brave face but felt 🆖

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