Lately my priority has been working on my portfolio. I’m making a lot of collages, but it feels very automatic and not much like art practice. This worries me. I could submit my portfolio now, but I want to experiment with other media first. However, there seems to be no continuity to this method. I feel like I look like I’m ringing it in. I’m not. I spent two hours trying to teach myself how to use Photoshop today. The resulting collage – a mixture of a scan of a paper collage and features from Photoshop looked disappointing. Like it had been done in five minutes. I used the cloning tool and the stamp tool because they make it feel like a digital collage. But it doesn’t feel like my work because Photoshop made it. I realise the silliness of feeling like this because all of my collages are a mixture of craft paper, magazine/book cuttings and tape – created by other folk. I’m struggling with the idea of realness.
It’s something I feel the need to explore.
Canterbury has lost some of it’s sheen, for reasons I feel uncomfortable writing about here. Just a load of microaggressions chipping away at me. I don’t actually feel bad or sad – just tired. And that’s what’s making me feel odd. I do care but I feel like I don’t care. It’s probably a side effect of medication but I feel like I could be disappointing people. I, myself, feel content. I’ve began to feel lots of joy about the freelance writing I’m doing – every article is more fun and easier to get to grips with than the last. This bubble of pride helps me feel bouyant during trying times. Maybe the real worry is that I’ve zoned out of the real world a bit too much and I’m loving every minute of it.
Feel is the most used word in my blog.