Things are feeling tough

A weird thing happened. I started writing a job application a couple of weeks ago, as I progressed through the pages I thought I’m not sure I’m good enough for this role yet. I abandoned the application and didn’t think any more of it. But, then, I saw an email in my inbox saying I had been invited to an interview. It’s on Wednesday. The same day as another interview I am having in University of Brighton.

The past few days have been full of soul searching, self-doubt and general messiness. My mental health has changed completely; I’m not sure if it’s medication, a placebo effect or the self-care research I am constantly doing. I’m keeping my mind occupied, but when I mismanage my health I tune in to my feelings. This has been interesting.

Sometimes my head feels noisy, like a dull murmur of a cafe and I used to be afraid. But when I tried to listen in to the conversations, I heard nothing. The noise started sounding like static. Then I imagined it as a radio, so I imagined a dial. I turned it down, and up. Sometimes words were there – but fragmented and nonthreatening. I am learning more about words, I try to teach myself new words everyday (mostly thanks to crosswords) or remember long forgotten words. I sleep soundly thinking about words ebbing and flowing.

I spent the weekend trying to decide which job interview to go for. Over time, I realised that the only reason I liked the University of Brighton role was because it’s in University of Brighton. It’s familiar, it’s safe, it’s full of hopes and dreams. But the other role is full of the unknown.

I withdrew from the University of Brighton role last night. I hope I made a good decision. I feel like a change is in the air.

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