I decided to spend the bank holiday weekend away from Brighton. I haven’t returned yet. And whenever I plan to, I just can’t bring myself to get on the train.

As much as I don’t want to return, I’m not ready to say goodbye yet. I love Brighton. But, my current feelings are not to go back. That way I can avoid saying goodbye and the pain that will go along with it.

I went to the GP last week. My GP was on holiday so I saw someone else. He was very kind. But nothing really changed. I was given some anti-depressants that I was first prescribed twenty years ago. I was referred back to cognitive behavioral therapy – it hasn’t helped me previously, but I thought any support would be better than none. I asked for cognitive analytical therapy also. I’d rather have the CAT but I’ll take whatever comes first.

I was reading up about my medication. I last used it in 1997-98 and it helped. Though it’s the only medication I stuck with for a decent amount of time, so it may not have been the best but I had a good history with it. I was particularly reading about a memoir of a user of this type of medication. I don’t know why I am being so vague, you probably guessed I mean prozac.

Prozac Nation was a book many of my friends loved. I never read it but I thought I’d like to. I had a quick look at the reviews and was disheartened to see journalists using self-absorbed and selfish descriptive words. It has made me feel embarrassed about writing. I guess this blog is narcissistic. Then maybe I am overthinking..? Last month I spent hours researching headscarf patterns and knots because I didn’t want to culturally appropriate. I think I am a good person, or at least I am striving to be.

So, yeah, through reading about Prozac Nation I discovered Atypical Depression, then Rejection Sensitivity so I’ve armed myself with more knowledge. It’s good to have a term that describes what you are feeling. Being afraid to talk just wasn’t descriptive enough for my liking.

The university announced a voluntary severance scheme while I have been away. I don’t qualify as casual staff. But with the budget cuts I feel like now is a good time to throw in the towel.

Today I am going to have a freakshake.

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