I chased up my last job interview because I hadn’t heard back. As suspected, I was unsuccessful but I’m going back to the college tomorrow to find out more about the teacher training programme. This is the second time in my life that a member of college staff has suggested I look into lecturing. As you know, my anxiety makes this difficult. But maybe there’s something in it?
Over the past month, my mind has felt like an adult’s mind. Which, OK I know, sounds weird. But I previously looked at challenges and thought Maybe later or When I’m a bit more confident. I felt like a youngster for a very long time, and always associated being an adult with contentment. I feel like I may be there, or heading that way.
Teaching is something I used to like the idea of, but I felt as though I wasn’t good enough and I am afraid of speaking in front of groups. When I thought about speaking in front of groups I’d panic. Now, I feel nervous at the idea but interested in trying it out.
Of course, this could be my medication talking.
Growing my hair naturally has been quite an experience. It has been fun, and an opportunity to learn. I like the texture, and sometimes I even like the waves.
It has felt like a lesson in acceptance.
Thinking back, I’ve been haven’t been to many conferences in my life – however, it feels like I’ve been to more than enough. For some reason, conferences seem to happen in clusters and the longest ones always happen in spring or summer. I’ve sweat for three consecutive days in many of our big cities; eating irregularly and getting headaches from stuffy auditoriums. Sometimes, for a change, I get dehydrated when the air conditioner is on high. This tends to end in nosebleeds. Admit it, you’d like me as a conference buddy!
Conferences are weird things. During them, I feel uncomfortable and when it comes to the networking events I want to curl up and hide. But sometimes I meet people and click. In fact, some of my favourite people are people I’ve met at conference. I think conferences are a bit like call centre jobs; some people thrive, some people just get through it and the rest bond over their general awkwardness.
A weird thing happened. I started writing a job application a couple of weeks ago, as I progressed through the pages I thought I’m not sure I’m good enough for this role yet. I abandoned the application and didn’t think any more of it. But, then, I saw an email in my inbox saying I had been invited to an interview. It’s on Wednesday. The same day as another interview I am having in University of Brighton.
The past few days have been full of soul searching, self-doubt and general messiness. My mental health has changed completely; I’m not sure if it’s medication, a placebo effect or the self-care research I am constantly doing. I’m keeping my mind occupied, but when I mismanage my health I tune in to my feelings. This has been interesting.
Sometimes my head feels noisy, like a dull murmur of a cafe and I used to be afraid. But when I tried to listen in to the conversations, I heard nothing. The noise started sounding like static. Then I imagined it as a radio, so I imagined a dial. I turned it down, and up. Sometimes words were there – but fragmented and nonthreatening. I am learning more about words, I try to teach myself new words everyday (mostly thanks to crosswords) or remember long forgotten words. I sleep soundly thinking about words ebbing and flowing.
I spent the weekend trying to decide which job interview to go for. Over time, I realised that the only reason I liked the University of Brighton role was because it’s in University of Brighton. It’s familiar, it’s safe, it’s full of hopes and dreams. But the other role is full of the unknown.
I withdrew from the University of Brighton role last night. I hope I made a good decision. I feel like a change is in the air.