Yesterday was a bad mental health day. And I made it worse by not taking care of myself.

But in the interests of turning it into a learning opportunity, here’s what I should have done in five easy steps.

1. I should have stayed on leave. I was on leave for a reason, I needed to get better.
2. I should not have checked my work emails. If I hadn’t, HR would have seen that I was out of office and notified the interviewers.
3. I should have asked for the interview to be postponed. It was short notice, and I was ill.
4. I should not have let my desperation for a job override my need to take care of myself. It’s easy to say, but hard to action – I know.
5. I should have asked to leave the interview. It would have been risky but my concentration was shot and I could feel myself getting distressed. I was clearly troubled and there was no way I could have redeemed myself in that situation… by staying there, I prolonged my discomfort and theirs.

I never know if I should disclose my health history. It would have been unprofessional but maybe people would understand and accommodate me? I just know that after half an hour I was sweating from pain, my skin was crawling and my teeth were grinding. It was taking all my willpower to stay in the moment. My brain became obsessed with escaping. I wanted to shout. It was a moment that scared me, because normally social interactions calm internal disturbances but this time I was inconsolable.

Today has been quieter. I have managed to leave my head for a while.

On Thursday I didn’t feel so well. I notified all my colleagues and went home. When I got home, I felt hopeless. I remember thinking If I don’t get invited to a job interview this month I am moving away.

So obviously, I got a job interview invite the next day. Quite why I checked my emails on leave I do not know. I was very pleased to be shortlisted.

The job is in the School of Education. And my self-care brain is telling me to relax and remain realistic. The rest of me is having an adrenaline rush.

I’ve spent the weekend with relatives. I had planned to have a whole week off but I’m returning to Brighton for my job interview.

I’ll miss duvet days.

Yesterday my Mum texted me to say that Bud had been put down. I had been expecting this moment for a few days now. I only spoke to my Mum the day before and, although I knew Bud had been ill for a while, I didn’t realise the seriousness until this week.

I went up to visit my sister and her family at the end of last month. I saw my Mum for a few hours and we shared a car for a short while back to her house. I was in a bit of a rush to get back to my Dad’s house so I didn’t even take my Mum to her front door. I wish I did. As my Mum got out of the car and I helped her find her keys in the bottom of her bag, I thought of Bud – less than ten metres away. I wanted to go in but I didn’t have the time, and I wasn’t feeling well.

When I met Bud I really wasn’t sure about him. He was a bit of a loose cannon and always wanted my attention when I was petting another dog. The next day I played with him and, then, that was that. He became my favourite dog.

He’ll be missed.