I’m looking forward to next month. Even though I know it’ll be a struggle financially – I’m going to have to get through it on £200. I’m just hoping it will be a month of opportunities.

The good news is that I have a job interview in my old college on Friday. The role is temporary (when is it not?) but I need full-time work. I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up but I’ve applied for a couple of other jobs that are due to interview next week, and I really feel like I could get invited to one of them at least.

I’m doing some administrative support of the Summer Internship scheme over the next couple of months too. It’s likely to be approximately two days a week.

So, my May is looking to be comfortable and secure. I can’t wait.

Last week I stumbled upon the above video. I had been thinking about doing a vlog for quite a while, but it’s just something I keep putting off. When I saw the video I was going to post about the thoughts it stirred in me. But, I don’t know, that never happened. I can kinda relate. I do talk openly in my blog, but there are still some things I’m in the middle of processing. I thought a vlog would be a great opportunity to get them all out (as my mind is moving three times the speed of my typing).

The short of it is that I feel it’s time to move on from where I am at (which I know I touch on here, but what I don’t mention is how all-consuming it feels). I got a phonecall today from a relative, and they had clearly been speaking to another relative I had confided my feelings to. I was not ready to speak to this person. But this person was prying. At one point they asked Is there anything you want to tell me? I didn’t.

I felt awful immediately. I felt the tears building up. I was not lying, I did not hide anything but I felt a fakeness in my answer.

I definitely feel that I’m at a fork in the road. I don’t want to lose anything I have now, I love my little Brighton bubble and the people here, but I feel like I want more. When is it time to make the change? Because whenever I feel it coming, I back away. I feel attached to every little thing – the streets, the people, the buildings, fleeting moments that most would ignore but as I feel my days here are numbered I cling to them.

I guess I’ll just keep on floating along until I feel it’s time.

A snapshot from my reflective journal, January 2017.