I got my poster printed this afternoon. I want to share a photo/scan of it but I’m not sure if I’m allowed because it hasn’t been marked yet. I have mixed feelings about it, but overall I feel relief. Especially as I had a hiccup this morning when I went to visit the place where I had planned to get it printed – they told me over the phone it would take an hour but when I arrived they said it would take twenty+ hours because the equipment was in use.

I felt elated for a short while after I got it printed. Just because I knew it would be handed in on time (unless my train is delayed tomorrow)! I also felt great because I liked my writing, not the style – just the feeling behind it. This is my last module this academic year. I actually completed one module. This is a tremendous sense of achievement for me… I’m a habitual quitter, I normally give up in times of stress and anxiety but this time I didn’t. Yay. Go me.

In counselling this week I spoke a bit about my feelings of fear around success and failure. I don’t think I would have got through this module without my counsellor. Originally when I signed up with a private counsellor the cost made me panic – after all, I’m a casual worker – some months the cost of counselling was over half my income. But I really feel like my private counsellor has been enabled me to work through things that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy did not even address.

I have a different perspective on my research poster now.

I know it’s not a good piece of work. I know it may scrape a pass. I know that I’ll never reach the level of success I want. But I am proud of myself for not quitting. I believe that my skills are suited to museum work, even if I don’t have the qualifications to prove it. I feel that I offer a valuable contribution, even if it isn’t academically polished. I am content that I am good enough. I am also confident that if I fail to pass my course I can still go to a job interview at a museum and impress people just by talking about my research.

The thought of people looking at my poster tomorrow is terrifying. But my exhaustion will probably numb any negative feelings. Phew. I’m done.