Flashback

I’ve had two incredibly vivid flashbacks today. Both were triggered by the sensation of touching tin and a slight toiletry smell. I was transported back to 2000 and a make-up case where I just kept metallic nail polishes and hair glitter. I remember the make-up case well because I didn’t normally wear make-up but I liked the case. I think it was a birthday present. It was a perfect metal cube with a handle. I liked it so much I took a photograph of it and developed it on watercolour paper. I liked the image of the cold, smooth case on the rough paper.

It all started because I am so broke I was searching through my things for some Euros to exchange so I can afford to go for tea with my friend tomorrow. I eventually found the Euros in the bottom of this tin. But the act of opening the tin sent a chain reaction of memories through my mind.
present

In my flashback I was sitting on my bed, looking at a hair mascara brush. I remember the smell but I cannot describe it very well. I remember liking how the metallic blue looked on the brush; the dark bristles poking out through the shiny colour. I also remember that time because it was a real crossroad in my life.

Lately I’ve been reflecting on that time a lot. Last year, when I was struggling on my course and finding it difficult to fit in it felt like my teenage years all over again. There was a conflict between how I felt (isolated, anxious…) and how I thought I should be feeling (the world opening up to me through the wonders of education).

This year, I am thriving and I feel supported. This is how I expected university to feel like. But I am still struggling with my mental health despite all the goodness in my life. I still feel nervous before I walk in to the museum, despite it being full of friends and colleagues.

Realistically I didn’t expect education to be a doorway to a magical new me… but I kinda hoped it would be. Just like I didn’t expect glitter in my hair to make me as cool as Alisha’s Attic. But I remember running the brush through my hair and hoping/waiting for the change to take place.

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