I initially started off with developing ideas for my project very much influenced by the work placement I had just completed. Since this was at a sustainable fashion magazine/creative direction agency, I was looking at a lot of editorial fashion photography and hence planned my own images to involve a range of props, specific makeup and different clothes to illustrate the environmental theme I wanted to portray. It was also why I chose to shoot my photographs in a studio, somewhat removed from natural, everyday surroundings, in order for the focus to be on the specific details in each shot (like the ice cubes, sand, plastic, etc).

Due to the current circumstances, I purchased studio lights for home use and managed to keep that style of photography although the limited light and especially the lack of flash light made work harder. This was the case in particular with the ‘wildfire’ and ‘ice themes’. For the former, I tried to capture the flickering of flames in my eyes, I positioned a laptop that played a video of a fireplace in front of me so that the flames were reflected in my pupils. Capturing this with a DSLR was impossible though as the scene had to be dark enough for the flames to appear yet not too dark so the camera would still be able to capture something. In the end, I decided to scrap that theme from my final selection.

Similarly, shooting the images for the ‘ice’ theme was difficult in my home studio, as I initially wanted to have a white background (to really resemble that glacial atmosphere) but I did not have plenty and stronger enough light sources to properly light the background without over exposing the ice block. I tried backlighting it which turned out great for the ice but was not ideal i.e. too dark to capture with my face next to it.

Consequently, the photos turned out very different (using a black background) but due to time restrictions I was not able to reshoot them using something other than actual ice (like a crumbled up plastic sheet for instance).

Overall, I learned that as the months went by, my approach shifted and often times the clear idea I had had in my mind was difficult or impossible to bring to life. Midway through the project,  I realised that I was creating images that almost made the subject (me) embody the Earth and what was happening to it. For instance, in the pictures I took for the ‘wildfire’ theme, I covered myself in a black face mask to resemble soot/ashes.

Through feedback sessions I understood that this painted me as a metaphor for the Earth, instead of depicting the feelings I had towards the environmental destruction of the Earth. After all, my aim was to visualise ‘Eco-Anxiety’ and the complex emotions that are being produced in humans through witnessing the environmental crisis. I wanted to depict how this is affecting me, but as a bystander not as the Earth itself.

These emotions were oftentimes difficult to bring out, as I came to realise. It was much easier to slip into looking ‘sensual’, calm or absent. At the same time, I was feeling frustrated about the images becoming too literal, especially after I shot the photos for the plastic theme which turned out to be much more evocative, alluding to something beyond what we can see.

So I realised, that on some days, as I was shooting, I hated what I was doing and instead came up with ideas that were completely different than I had previously planned. For instance, during the shoot for the ice theme I noticed that wrapping the block of ice in strings almost made it look like a parcel or gift, thus the ice appeared much less powerful, somewhat domesticated. But again, due to the limited time I had left, I was not able to reshoot the whole theme.

In retrospective, this process has provided me with a massive learning opportunity which reaches beyond the final results of my photo book as I understood a lot about the creative process, how I work and how much time is needed to create something that fulfils the aim without being too forced.