I had such a lovely tutorial with Steph today. I haven’t spoken to her about my project before so it was really nice to go from the beginning in my project and speak to her about the fact that I’ve been struggling in my project.

It was really cool because Steph seemed to really quickly understand what I was explaining and going through. We discussed the idea of hidden heritage and the fact that our physicalities and skin doesn’t always tell our stories. And that sometimes, our stories and heritage feel inaccessible or unseen. And we discussed the way that I feel about my heritage being almost more nuanced.

I did start journalling at the start of this year but I haven’t really journaled about this subject, and Steph suggested to try to do that as it might get all of the thoughts in my head out, and help me to understand the way I feel to then be able to start thinking of ways to represent this visually for my project and final outcome.

Steph told me about a lecture she went to a lecture by Maria Angela Jansen as part of a series called Reading Fashion Magazines: Celebrating The Courtauld’s History of Dress Journals Archive, with Jansen’s lecture discussing the female representation of women in Morocco. I think it sounds really interesting and it would be cool if I could find some more academic writing by her to back up my project and do more research.

I also showed Steph my abstract piece I did early of my memory of Morocco and it was really cool because thats all I said to her and she really understood what I expressed through that piece. Straight away she said that she could feel a notion of holding on, and grasping out for the memories I have of Morocco and I think that’s exactly right.

We then went on to speak about the different ways I’m making work in relation to this project, and just discussed that now, whilst I’m realising things and learning more, I can begin to try and figure out how to communicate that sense of searching thats in my head into my work. She said it would be good to look at other artists who approach similar topics, and I’d like to make an effort to research this, but this is something I always struggle to do.

I also discussed the way I have been struggling to work out what I want to create for my final outcome. As I am really enjoying working in lots of different mediums, however I do know that I’d love to make a film. Initially when I decided this, I first imagined super stylised, finalised and clean scenes within this film, but then the more I got into this journey and realised I am looking more at the idea of confusion, searching and disconnection, I thought the work that I would end up making would be more abstract and dark. But Steph said, very simply, ‘Do both’. Which is so obvious and I’m sure Chris has said this to me before too with similar issues I’m having, but sometimes it takes a little reminding for me, because I am a perfectionist, that I can do things that aren’t all perfect and uniform. I think I struggle with that in my work, but also with this whole journey of working out my cultural identity, and thats why I am finding it really hard to reach that place of acceptance that I know I need to get to. But it’s just always pulled away from my feet by a new obstacle every time I think I’m getting there.