I had a realization in that everything I do is to prepare myself for what the future holds, like a parent preparing its child for life im constantly doing that for myself, I always have a choice as to what I could do, and I try to choose what is in my best interested, I think that’s why finding meaning is so difficult because people think in terms of longevity and a positive take on big issues such as death is much more constructive for one’s life. I want desperately for death not to be the end, but I cannot find meaning in it because I can not know. I get frustrated that fads come in waves, cycles, that everything is popular, then played out, then It resurges and the cycle seems to continue, and I ask myself why people gravitate towards these things, and its because its easy to find comfort in them. Joining a cult where you are important is often better than living in a society where you are unimportant, and this is just picking the most favorable choice for survival, becoming part of the biggest group for protection and validation. I think one’s values are also fitting into this, as living to the values instilled on you from your parents ensures you won’t have guilt, or regret, because you did what you were supposed to, these values have a practical use and help you avoid trouble but they are all subjective, so nothing has actual meaning outside of what we give it, but the meaning we put on things is expression, experiences and expression are the two things that are undeniably real and so communication is the cornerstone of my life and what I am chasing, dissociation might stop me from feeling like myself, ADHD might stop me from achieving my potential in many areas, but I can always express myself in the moment and communicate with others and for me, that is the most important thing.

This project has been an exploration of my thoughts on meaning and has helped me understand myself a lot better. My self-portrait is just me, with no connotations or bravado, just me, but the mark-making, the colours and the pose all speak a thousand words about who I am, it is expressing an image of me through my own lens and so in a strange way illustrates the desire to be heard, I wanted to capture myself at that moment, and express that moment to the world, I wanted to communicate my experience at that moment.