Recently I have been struggling with the reality of death, feeling that everything I believe about the society around me, and my internal identity is only true because I said so, and others reinforced it. I don’t think struggling is the right word because ultimately all I’m doing is trying to understand my place in the world. I experienced a lot of disassociation when I was younger and I think this disassociation was scary because it depersonalized me from my self in a strange way, it made me let go of how I saw myself and I think that was a really useful tool.

I feel as if I’m developing a lot of empathy for others as well as a greater appreciation for the world around me and because of quarantine, I’ve been isolated but going outside and taking time to smell the fresh countryside air, seeing the trees and clouds and the stars around me makes me feel so happy to be alive, I think the confronting death emphasizes your value of time, I feel happy that I’m alive in this small moment to see how beautiful the sunset is, and I know this is hippy-dippy and may sound like nonsense but I’ve never had that presence or clarity to live in the moment in quite the same way. Social pressures and goals have always made me jump from one thing to the next, social media have always made me want to project a version of myself that I think others want and without noticing I fell for the trap of chasing something that I didn’t care about in the rat race of life.

 

Ernest Becker wrote in his book The Denial Of Death

“The real world is simply too terrible to admit. It tells man that he is a small trembling animal who will someday decay and die. Culture changes all of this: it makes man seem important, vital to the universe, immortal in some ways.”

 

This rat race of chasing social acceptance is the chasing of self-importance through a system that was created by man.

 

Searching for meaning

everything is an opportunity to relate

an opportunity to construct your own narrative

custom made so you can be the hero

something that isn’t known is infinitely possible

so it has infinite chances to be meaningful

something that is new is unknown and so this new thing will have gravity

until it isn’t new anymore, and everything about it is known.

 

cultural fads come and go, musical genres and artistic movements all seem like the true expression of that time but then they become played out and a revolutionary new thing comes and takes its place, people want to be part of the new thing and they don’t realize that the old thing, was the new thing at one time. That’s why think fads tend to come full circle.