My focus shifted, I realized that rather than looking at how language is used to convey meaning, I began to look at how we create meaning and actively search for it in the language and media that we consume. At this time I became very interested in religion, philosophy, cults and psychology.

I was reading “The Inklings by Humphrey Carpenter” it acts as a biography of sorts for J.R.R Tolkien, C.S. Lewis and Charles Williams, I found Charles William the most interesting out of the three men, but ill give you some background on the book before getting into that.

these men were Christians at Oxford University pre-WW2. They were all interested in alchemy and spirituality and to today’s standards it seems very cultish, but all of these men were very intelligent, Charles Williams was certifiably insane however he had a photographic memory and was very interested in literature and religion. Id recommend this book however as far as influence on this project I think the main thing it helped establish is that no matter how smart or privileged you are, you will experience hardship, and turn to some kind of meaning to find you through it, in this case, some of the greatest minds at the time believed in magic, because to them it seemed reasonable. Much like my tale of the cat pissing in my lego sounding like a religious scripture all of the cults and religions I looked into had to reference to two things, first of all a narrative that empowers believers and gives them divine strength of some kind, as well as stories that originate from the mesipitanian story “The Epic of Gilgamesh” which is one of the oldest texts known to man and outlines a man chasing greatness and immortality, trying to fill his life with achievements so that his story would be immortal. This tale of Gilgamesh weighed on my mind.

I began to paint in my garage, I set up a small studio space and I called it Joes Garage, I listened to the Frank Zappa album of the same name as I worked and one song popped out to me

Watermelon In Easter Hay By Frank Zappa

This is the Central Scrutinizer…
Joe has just worked himself into an imaginary frenzy
During the fade-out of his imaginary song…
He begins to feel depressed now
He knows the end is near
He has realized at last, that imaginary guitar notes
And imaginary vocals
Exist only in the imagination of the imaginer!
And… ultimately, who gives a fuck anyway?
So… So…
Excuse me… Ha ha ha!
Mm-mh… So… Ha ha ha… Ha ha ha!
…Who gives a fuck anyway?
So he goes back to his ugly little room
And quietly dreams his last imaginary guitar solo…

I thought about the intro to this song for a while, specifically this section

“He has realized at last, that imaginary guitar notes
And imaginary vocals
Exist only in the imagination of the imaginer!
And… ultimately, who gives a fuck anyway?”

I thought about the doublespeak interview that triggered my investigation,

“reality exists not in the mind of the individual, which soon perishes but in the mind of the party which is collective and immortal, what the party says is reality is real”

and these two ideas swirled around in my head for a while I began to think about why I do the things I do and where my drive to create comes from, I began to question if everything I create is to ensure that I am remembered, and I came to the conclusion that the song comes to, ultimately, who gives a fuck anyway? Frank Zappa died in 1993 and below is a snippet from his final interview which took place earlier that year while Zappa was very ill struggling with cancer, he knew the end was near.

The people that want to be remembered will go to great lengths to ensure they are, much like Gilgamesh, they will do anything, and Gilgamesh is considered to be a warning by many, this warning echos through this last interview.