Another day, another headache.

I won't start this blog with a rundown of how exhausted I am. I mean, anyone who works in HE knows about clearing week. Especially if you are blessed enough to work in admissions and enrolments, and have to deal with the rapid increase in student numbers - you know, magic up a few rooms, communicate the last minute changes to everything and just have to wrestle with your conscience because clearing gives so many opportunities to folk who may not have been able to study otherwise but it happens at a time when many people feel stressed and vulnerable. But that's enough politics here.

Gripes aside. I do love this time of year. It really does feel like a time full of possibility and I am so happy to work in this industry. Especially as HE really did change my life (more my outlook, than my career) so I feel amazing being part of the learning journey of others.

My day off was supposed to be catching up with my friend from college who was visiting the county. But I woke up feeling awful and decided to have a duvet day. My brain wouldn't be quiet and my joints ached. Continuous noise has followed me since then.

I have an interview for a counselling course next week. Which I am hugely excited about and I'm pretty confident I'll be offered a place. I can't wait to get started on my reflective journal and start playing around with Moodle (which you'll know I am a big fan of) again.

I attempted to write to clear my head but I haven't managed it. I pitched a few articles to Unified and I wanted to write them today. Not that I need to. I just want to get ahead of my schedule. I also applied to join an erotic writers pool and we are writing a collaborative story. I say we. They haven't decided if I'll be writing with them yet.

The past two days at work have made me want to scream. My team are super-supportive but lately outside forces have been stepping in to help out. Which is great. But, as a result, I feel like I'm losing track of my work. And honestly, the help would've been better appreciated months ago. Right now it's a distraction.

But... CSR keeps getting better and better. This track plays often and clanging guitars feel the same as the blood pumping through my stressed out head. Also, what a tune.

So. Here I am. I spent today working furiously, and I feel reasonably satisfied with the amount of content I produced. I've been using up my annual leave this month so my work bottlenecked at points. I freaked out a bit, but that time passed and I feel good.

I thought about Motion City Soundtrack earlier. Mainly because I was trying to remember what my life looked like fifteen years ago. A lot has changed in that time, but when I am feeling low it feels like no time has passed at all (one of my favourite bloggers, adorabullsh!t, writes about this feeling and I pretty much dig her writing because it's like looking into a more likeable mirror).

The reason I started thinking about fifteen years ago is beyond me. Well, actually it isn't but it's one of those things I don't want to share in a blog where I share everything. I notice most of the month has been full of recollections of some sort. So, it figures. Maybe. I don't know. I feel more chaotic than usual. I'm working through it.

I work through things with reflective writing - yes, I know, I am a broken record when it comes to reflective writing. But I do. And I'll probably not stop being a broken record. Sorry.

So, where was I? I remembered applying to do a counselling course last year (which I didn't do because I had a lot going on in my head). And I realised that maybe it's time to reapply. Then I remembered I already did. And I have an interview next month!!! Which I forgot about because this month has been so busy. Also, I can use this skills from the course in my MRes application.

I realised these things as I was writing. And if that is not a shining endorsement for reflective writing I don't know what is. Now sssh now brain.

Following on from yesterday, I started a new journal today. It's affectionately named my data dump diary. I had an Anais Anais promotional journal which I bought from a charity shop last year. I was saving it for a special occasion because it was quite fancy. But my noisy brain needed to be organised so I started journalling. I noticed one theme kept recurring...

Ownership

I think this theme keeps coming up because two things I yearn for most is a home of my own and to have control over my labour. The more I explored this in my journal the more I analysed actions from my past. And, you know, things just begun to make sense.

I think, as part of dealing with mental health fallout, there are things I know and things I acknowledge. Knowing is not akin to acknowledgement - in my experience. Knowing feels like it's sitting on the sideline, watching things happening. Acknowledgement is the child the points out the emperor is naked in The Emperor's New Clothes. Which sounds obvious now I write it.

The thing about acknowledgement is that once you know that you know, there is no going back. There's no more blissful feigned ignorance. It's out there.

So I haven't discovered anything new, but I am feeling different from before. And my desire for ownershop is driving me harder than before.